Saturday, February 03, 2007


I miss you. I miss you not locking yourself up. I miss you telling me you miss me. I miss you telling me you love me. I miss telling you I love you. I generally miss you.

Sometimes when you look at me it's there. I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in the way you laugh at me. But then something takes over and you remember you're not supposed to feel like that and it goes away again.

Last night you made me squirm. I liked it. It was almost like we were back to a comfortable place. Were we could just "be" again, and not have all the emotional shit hanging over us all the time. I like that place. I like that place a lot.

We still don't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it yet. I don't know if I'll ever want to talk about it. I don't even know if there is an "it" left to talk about. I do know that I miss you still. When I don't know when I'm going to see you again I panic a little. The jealousy is there...constantly tamped down and hidden. I think you know that though.

But as for the squirming...I like that you can still make me squirm. And I like that you occasionally do. You may just have to make good on it at some point though.

Monday, January 29, 2007


You asked me last night why. I told you I had other things on my mind. You wanted more of an answer than that. I'll give it to you here.

Here is where you read all of my thoughts. Here is where you read all of my insecurities. Here is where you read all of my deep secrets I didn't really want you to know. There were times when those thoughts and insecurities played on your own. When they caused problems. When you felt bad, or insignificant, or guilty, or to blame. That was never the point. The point was to wrap my head around what happened when you happened. And what you were when you happened. I still haven't figured that all out yet. Maybe I never will.

You never even responded. You just left. You just stopped. No questions. No arguments. No discussion. Done. I understand why. That's who you are. My first thought was "Oh my God what have I done".

The tension between whether I should back down and accept less than I wanted, and knowing that you would be perfectly content letting me go was more than I could handle. That you would let it go without a second thought. Thinking that your stubbornness would outweigh any rational thought. Knowing, without a doubt, that you had the ability to turn off and walk away without a second glance. And the realization that I would really never talk to you again...was more than I could handle.

I curled up on the couch in a ball. I cried for days. I sat on the computer waiting for you to IM a crack head waiting for her next fix. I carried my phone with me everywhere I went, in the hope that you just might call. Words like "the" and "and" became too complex and confusing to study. Getting off the couch made it too difficult to study. Getting dressed became too much of a chore to leave the house. Basic hygiene went out the window. I was lost. I was afraid. I was miserable.

In that time I realized that I need you. I need you in whatever capacity you have. The thought of going back to being a "just" again is excruciating. I want to be more. I have been more. I love being more than just a "just" to you. But it is nothing in comparison to not having you at all. If all I get to be is a "just", I'm not happy but I will learn to be content. I will not push. I will not whine. I will not complain. I will not attempt to change your mind, or remake your decisions. Just is all I will be.

We have had a strict "no discussion on the blog" policy. I don't want discussion. I don't want more conversation. I don't want to talk about it and have the tension hanging over us like an axe man. But you asked. It may be an excuse. It may stink. But here it is.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Just In Case You Were Wondering

This sucks.

I miss you.

Stubborn one.

Anyone who hasn't figured out the new blog via sitemeter or e-mail or some other stealthy measure, feel free to e-mail me. bslawg at (the dredded) gmail. com.

Monday, January 22, 2007


Blogger sucks. That's right. Blogger sucks. ARGH!

I think I'm starting over.

When all else fails re-boot. Right?


I consider myself a very open minded individual. Then again, I've never met anyone who admitted to being close minded. I do my best not to make judgments based on appearance. To avoid the stereotypes society creates based on what people do for a living, where they live, what they drive, or how they dress. It is not my place to make value judgments and classify people as "good" or "bad". We all do good things. We all do bad things. I try to avoid the people who's "bad things" affect me negatively. But I am not the judge, nor the jury. I am simply another human being trying to get by. I do my best to live life this way.

I have a friend, I've mentioned him before, who is a professional piercer. He is articulate, well spoken, well read, intelligent, and generally a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with. I count myself lucky to be one of the people he chooses to hang out with, because on the scale of "cool" we're not even on the same page. He is cooler than I am before he even wakes up in the morning. There is a certain amount of shock value to hanging out with him. He has fantastically long dreads, implants in his face, tattoos everywhere, he's loud, he's outgoing, and he's intimidating. When we're at the bar together I can't help thinking about that old Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the other". Yeah, that would be me. Because when we hang out, I am the weird one. It's all context.

We had a conversation the other night which once again made me realize I'm not nearly as open minded as I strive to be. To look at him you would assume, I assume, that his "type" would be pierced and tattooed and be rough and tumble like he is. Someone who could go where he goes without standing out. Someone who was I think he does want these things, but not on the surface. On the surface he wants the pretty pretty princess. He wants the college educated, well dressed, intelligent woman that every man claims to want. He wants the soft and snugly girly girl. And try as I might, I just can't picture this. I am seriously disappointed in my own preconceptions.

Over the next couple of days I thought about this. I watched couples at the bar. I watched couples at the coffee shop. Looking for the underlying "unknown" below the appearance, the "more than meets the eye". Generally, the punks were with the punks. The rockers were with the rockers. The skeezy guys with the skeezy girls. And I wondered whether they started like this or whether one of them conformed. Which one of the boys started out as the suit and ended up as the punk? Which one of the girls started out as the punk and ended up in the "mom" uniform? Was it a matter of conformity for purposes of the relationship, for purposes of acceptance, because of the sociology of the group of people they surrounded themselves with? Did they all start out the way they are now, purple hair from the womb? Do they flock together like lemmings, searching for each other until they come together in one giant pack of weirdness? And what would happen if one day one of them decided it was cool to run around in Wranglers and cowboy boots? Would the bar be quickly taken over by cowboys?

Yeah...I know. Less people watching, more studying. I'm tryin.

Saturday, January 20, 2007


Is is possible for someone to be so selfless and protective and giving that they consistently come across as an asshole? Maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines. Maybe there isn't anything between the lines. Maybe there weren't any lines in the first place. He'd like me to believe that right now.

Last night was supposed to be girls night out. As planned there were to be about 15 of us dolled up in our girlie finest, out to take on the town. We were going to dance. We were going to eat chocolate. We were going to get hit on by every boy in the club. Because when life sucks, and you feel worthless and gross, nothing makes you feel better than having skeezy sweaty guy hit on you...right? Yeah...I think I seemed like I better idea than it would have been anyway.

Well, as with all good plans, it fell apart. The evening collapsed into three of us sitting at the local hang-out with the same old people drinking the same old things. For the most part it was still a good time. It was low key. It was what it was.

Through a series of events, George and I talked before I went out. We were having coffee waiting for the girls to get ready. He was crabby, he was stressed, he was picking fights where fights could be picked. I think there were about a million reasons he was stressed. I think one of them was simply that I was going out without him. With lipstick on. And my hair did. I was cute.

ANYWAY, as we're sitting there over our coffee, he looks at me and asks "So, are you going to be drunky McKissyface with some random guy tonight?" I told him that it would depend on whether he was still awake when I got done at the bar. See...since New Years he has made the decision that there is to be no more Amazing. None. Period. Ugh. We haven't had the complete discussion as to why. I have my theories. But he just drew a line in the sand and declared one day that the Amazing was over.

So, he said, "You're welcome to crash on the couch if your drunk, but you won't be drunky McKissyface with me." Being frustrated at this point, I asked if he would rather have me making out with someone else than cross the invisible line he arbitrarily drew in the sand. He said yes.

Of course he said yes. That's the point. BUSTED! He thinks that somehow in the course of the next few days I'm going to find someone else, or miraculously get over him, or move on, or somehow become completely comfortable with him leaving. And this is his way of trying to speed up the process. I think. Maybe. Then again maybe I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The thing is, that isn't a possibility. There is no way on earth that any of that will happen while he's still here. I'm years away from that, if it ever comes. At this point I don't really care if it ever comes. I'm not saying there won't be more tumbles in the hay. There will likely be a series of self destructive behavior before all this is over. That's just the way these things go. That's part of the healing process. It's natural. But I'm still months away from even being able to do that. And God forbid something actually happens to him while he's gone...who knows if I'll ever recover.

Either he is completely underestimating my feelings, or completely overestimating his power to push me away. That...or he's just an asshole. At this point...your guess is as good as mine.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

A Search For Joy

I've had a reoccurring thought over the past couple of days. I've had a lot of reoccurring thoughts. This one just seems to be more interesting than some of the others.

One of the things I have spent an inordinate amount of time searching for in the past few years is peace. Peace with myself. Peace with those around me. Peace with my position in life. Inner peace, outer peace, world peace, local peace. Peace. I have attempted fung shua. I have tried yoga. I have meditated. I have little cards taped to my desk that remind me to breath. The search for peace has lead me down a very interesting and convoluted path.

I am not naturally a peaceful person. I am loud. I am slightly obnoxious...although depending on who you ask I may be more than slightly obnoxious. I say what is on my mind, and what is on my mind is what I say. I laugh loudly and often. I cry without reservation. Sometimes all within a relatively short time period. Doing what I do, living the way I live, peace is not something that comes naturally to me.

And in my search for peace I think I have lost joy. In my quest for the calm, the deep breath, the place of serenity, there is no loud gafaw. There is no belly laugh. There is no getting goofy. This, however comes naturally. How much of my joy have I squelched because it would not be peaceful. How much of my mirth have I ignored because it would invade my quiet. I miss joy.

Maybe it is because I just miss being happy right now. I laughed the other night. Truly laughed. I was goofy. I was silly. I miss smiling. I miss making other people smile just because I can.

There is always a time when we need peace. Peace is a good thing. But for now, I need to search for joy. Now excuse me while I go don my pirate hat and search for my map.

Time Suck Thursday Meme

So...SBS tagged me. I really like these things. Especially now when I'm really looking for an excuse to piss away a few minutes here and there and don't have anything blogworthy except more whining about George. Although I know y'all LOVE to hear me whine about George. Especially George. I think he loves to hear me whine about him more than anything in the world. Ok...all sarcasm aside...Here is my re-named Time Suck Thursday Meme.

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? I'm seriously supposed to narrow this down to one person in the whole world? How the hell am I supposed to narrow my hatred down to one person? Would the world know it was me who blew them up? Could I be prosecuted? Would I have to claim it on my bar app? Would there be collateral damage? Like, would it be a nuclear explosion? This question is void for vagueness. It cannot be answered in its current form.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Nickelback. I really don't need to explain, do I?

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Depends on whether he's being an ass at the moment or not, but usually George.

4. What is your favorite cheese? Mmmmm....cheese. Yeah, I agree with SBS on this one, I've never met a cheese I didn't like. But generally sharp cheddar. Mmmmmm...cheese.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? Broiled roast beef with provolone and basil.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? Depp, Johnny Depp. Yup...I'm with SBS on this one too.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Jack Johnson. Easy.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. How are you gonna spend it? Pedicure, manicure and chocolate.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Moscow...wait, it's January, Tahiti.

10. Upon arrival to the afore mentioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Get a hotel room, because otherwise I'm sleeping on the beach.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...? Gin.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? Back to the 18th century to help the drafters of the constitution lay it out more clearly.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Women are in charge.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? Jitters. Based around a diverse cast of characters who hang out at a coffee shop.

15. What is your favorite curse word? fucker.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? Call George. He's the only person in the world who would believe me.

17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item? Assuming the fire isn't going to reach the garage so I don't have to worry about the cars, I'm going to grab the bears George gave me. My purse and my laptop are already in the car though, so that's kind of cheating.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? Send out a mass e-mail to everyone I know saying everything I don't say. Fill in those blanks!!!

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? The ability to bend space and time.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? I only get a half-hour? It's much longer than a half hour. But...yeah.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Hmmm...I'll plead the 5th here.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But now you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now? Canada or England...I'm too lazy to become fluent in another language. Plus, free health care would rock.

23. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? I don't know that I could pin it down. I'd hate to have to travel just to go to the bar...but generally I'd have to say Vegas. It's just one big bar anyway, right?

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"? George's

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? George Burns. He was cool. He was God too.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Selfishly I'd want to bring back my Grandma. She was awesome. Slightly less selfishly I'd want to bring back my 8 yr old cousin who died in a car accident two years ago. Even less selfishly than that I'd want to bring back George's Grandma, cuz I know it hit him hard when she died and he'd like to have her back.

Okay, so to keep the game going I need to tag someone.'re it.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Time Crunched Hungover Ramble

No rest for the wicked. I guess this is a good point. I've been trying to get to this point for two weeks. You know the point. The frantic deadline's approaching I don't have enough time I'm never going to get this all done how come we don't work off of the Star Trek 30 hour days point. This is the point where I am most productive. This is the point where I actually start getting shit done. I know I need to be here, but I hate it.

And so, what do I do last night in preparation for the time crunch? I get drunk. And not only do I get drunk, but right before I head into the bar for my friend's birthday party, I pick a fight with George. It wasn't really a new fight. Merely a continuation of the fight we've been having for two weeks. We've never finished the fight. We keep getting interrupted. I don't know if we finished it last night either. It doesn't feel like we finished it. He didn't say anything. I don't know.

Anyway, now I'm hungover, I have a headache, I have a million and one things to do, and all I want to do is sleep. And I can't remember the last time I ate anything. I should eat. Then I should take a nap. Then I should study. That's it. That's the plan.

On the up side...I'm really in a much better mood. I know there will be days that are good and days that are bad. The days that suck really suck. But I'm feeling them. I'm dealing with them as they come. It's hard. It's not getting easier yet. It will in time.

I was thinking about it last night. It's like there's a big opened wound, and I keep picking off the scab. And then poking it with a stick. And then smacking it a couple of times for good measure. It will heal eventually. It will leave a hell of a scar. It will likely fester and puss and get really gross before it's all done. And it would probably be a lot less painful if I would just leave it alone. But I don't want to leave it alone. I have years and years of leaving it alone in my future. While he's still here I'm going to poke it with a stick. Thus is love. One big festering opened wound. I love him so much, there is a big part of me that doesn't want the wound to heal. I don't want the scars. I don't want the pain to go away. I don't want to forget. I don't want it to be over. I just want him. Simple.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Wake Me When Its Over

I need something upbeat to say. I should be more optimistic. I just don't, I'm not. People watching has been uneventful today. Studying, completely unproductive. I think my brain broke with my heart. I hope I can figure out how to fix it by the time I have to take the bar.

If I was a bear I could hibernate. I could curl up into a ball and fall asleep until everything changed. Until all the cold passed. Until it didn't hurt. Until it was time to wake up, rested and ready for another summer before the next winter sleep comes again. But I'm not. I'll go to bed and wake up tomorrow, and very little will have changed. How is it when you need change the most that nothing seems to ever happen?

There will be a time when I can get through a thought uninterrupted by him. There will be a time when the thought of him being gone doesn't cause a physical pain in my chest. There will be a time when I will go minutes...hours...days...weeks without thinking of him. I want to fall asleep and be at that time.

There is so much of this that I haven't even begun to deal with. The shock of the sheer blinding pain has all of my attention right now. But as that dulls then I know I will have to deal with the hole that is left. Trying to get over the hope that some how, some way, I'll see him again. Finding new ways to smile, new friends to share the day. The complete and total loss of someone I love, my best friend, my lover, my advisor, my confidant, and the part of me that he became.

He has always accused me of being bitter. Being jaded. This is why. This is the reason. As soon as I trust enough to let my guard down, believe enough to be always kicks me in the ass and runs away laughing. Hopefully I learned my lesson this time.