I need something upbeat to say. I should be more optimistic. I just don't, I'm not. People watching has been uneventful today. Studying, completely unproductive. I think my brain broke with my heart. I hope I can figure out how to fix it by the time I have to take the bar.
If I was a bear I could hibernate. I could curl up into a ball and fall asleep until everything changed. Until all the cold passed. Until it didn't hurt. Until it was time to wake up, rested and ready for another summer before the next winter sleep comes again. But I'm not. I'll go to bed and wake up tomorrow, and very little will have changed. How is it when you need change the most that nothing seems to ever happen?
There will be a time when I can get through a thought uninterrupted by him. There will be a time when the thought of him being gone doesn't cause a physical pain in my chest. There will be a time when I will go minutes...hours...days...weeks without thinking of him. I want to fall asleep and be at that time.
There is so much of this that I haven't even begun to deal with. The shock of the sheer blinding pain has all of my attention right now. But as that dulls then I know I will have to deal with the hole that is left. Trying to get over the hope that some how, some way, I'll see him again. Finding new ways to smile, new friends to share the day. The complete and total loss of someone I love, my best friend, my lover, my advisor, my confidant, and the part of me that he became.
He has always accused me of being bitter. Being jaded. This is why. This is the reason. As soon as I trust enough to let my guard down, believe enough to be vulnerable...love always kicks me in the ass and runs away laughing. Hopefully I learned my lesson this time.
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I'm not optimistic either. I wrap up in my pain too. I cling to my scars to protect myself. Nothing wrong with any of that. Don't fight it; feel it.
I see where your jadedness comes from, but I have to ask, after all that has happened in this situation, would you trade loving him and all the good of it for walking away after fucking him a couple times and feeling nothing?
I think our painful experiences are the most important, most vivid, most shaping. Anyone can be happy. Not anyone can turn pain into life.
You have a very valid point. Ask me again in a couple of years. Right now...it just hurts. I think it would be easier if we broke up because we didn't like each other anymore...or because of normal reasons people break up. We just can't be together because life decided it that way. Somehow it seems like a sick practical joke.
I remember part of a quote that said "Dying is easy. It's living that's hard."
I feel so bad for you. I wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and make it all better. To bring the ending to the story that you so very much need.
I agree with Chris, though. It is better that you loved him. And, felt his love for you. Even though it is putting you through hell right now. It was a good part of your life.
I hope that you allow yourself to continue living with the walls down. Don't rebuild them. I know that's easier said than done. But, you have to try. He tore them down and made you so much more free. It was a wonderufl thing. Allow that to be his trimuph in your life. Let it be the part of him that stays with you......
sweetie, please go see your doctor. Tell him how much pain you're in. he can definitely give you something to take the edge off, just until you start to feel a little bit better and the most blinding part of the pain is over.
I have to agree with everyone here.
Don't rebuild the walls higher and tougher to breakdown. Yeah, it's going to continue to hurt like hell. When will it stop? I don't know. I just know that one day it does and you'll be surprised by it.
Small consolation .. you still have your "other" friends who love you and want you to be happy.
You will survive George I can promise you that. I just hope with time you will be able to think that loving him somehow made you stronger instead of more bitter. I know that my life has been one disaster after another. I am in a good place for now and I know I wouldn't be here without all the crap that came first. Change one thing and now would be different.
Until time passes .. I'm here for you.
Y'all are great. Thanks.
What Jen said is right. I don't regret loving. My mistakes made me the person I am, and I like that person. She is a strong, good person. it is never a mistake to love someone. On the other hand, not loving is almost always a mistake.
Oh, word, Beans. Word.
Hi there, L.G. I am sitting here, poring through your painful posts. You put it all out there. You are singing my song. Check out my blog, if you please. Would love some email chat if you are so inclined: jaybob44@yahoo.com
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