I'm frustrated. Like I spend my entire existence breaking through some sort of barrier only to find another one on the other side. At some point there will come a time where there is comfort and contentment in the now. That's the goal anyway.
I still can't get into a studying groove. I'm going through the motions, as with everything else in life, but I just can't find my rhythm. The first two weeks are the hardest. Sitting and cramming of copious amounts of information without reference for application. Anxiety of not knowing whether this will be enough. Fear of failure sitting in the chair next to the terror of inadequacy to keep me company. I have yet to make friends with them.
George and I are struggling with each other and with ourselves. Just about the time he has pushed me as far away as I can handle, he'll reach down and pick me up. We argued last night. We watched movies until late. I fell asleep for a little while. When I woke up I got ready to go home. Why would I stay? It obviously makes him uncomfortable when I'm there. He can hardly talk to me. He won't come within two feet of me if he has a choice in the matter. Yet, when I got ready to leave he got mad. He wanted me to spend the night. I think. I don't know. He won't tell me.
As I was driving home I was angry. I was frustrated. Once again my eyes were leaking. Telling myself he was just being a twit, he was just being a man. I realized I don't love him any less. I love him as much as, or more than, ever. His frustration and his own emotional turmoil doesn't change how I feel. And I wondered when that will end. When will it stop? If it doesn't stop, when will it at least stop getting bigger? He is giving me no reason to love him right now. He is giving me every reason in the world to be angry. I just can't stop.
So, back to the company of inadequacy and failure. Maybe I'll make friends with them today.
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2 comments:
I wish I knew what to tell you about George. Love makes it all so much more complicated. I hate it that he is hurting you so much. I know how much you want ot be with him, but when you are..... I could say a million and two rational things, but the heart doesn't tend to listen to things of that sort.
As for studying....find a way to make it fun. Wear a big red clown nose or something.....
It seems like the inevitable end is just dragging painfully on. You're both injuring yourself more because you can deal with the end coming and still be around each other. Why he has to hurt you to leave is his own issues, and I doubt it is intentional. All these posts just make me sad because the pain isn't ending; things aren't changing. I hope you two can find some enjoyment in the time you have left together.
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