A Search For Joy

I've had a reoccurring thought over the past couple of days. I've had a lot of reoccurring thoughts. This one just seems to be more interesting than some of the others.

One of the things I have spent an inordinate amount of time searching for in the past few years is peace. Peace with myself. Peace with those around me. Peace with my position in life. Inner peace, outer peace, world peace, local peace. Peace. I have attempted fung shua. I have tried yoga. I have meditated. I have little cards taped to my desk that remind me to breath. The search for peace has lead me down a very interesting and convoluted path.

I am not naturally a peaceful person. I am loud. I am slightly obnoxious...although depending on who you ask I may be more than slightly obnoxious. I say what is on my mind, and what is on my mind is what I say. I laugh loudly and often. I cry without reservation. Sometimes all within a relatively short time period. Doing what I do, living the way I live, peace is not something that comes naturally to me.

And in my search for peace I think I have lost joy. In my quest for the calm, the deep breath, the place of serenity, there is no loud gafaw. There is no belly laugh. There is no getting goofy. This, however comes naturally. How much of my joy have I squelched because it would not be peaceful. How much of my mirth have I ignored because it would invade my quiet. I miss joy.

Maybe it is because I just miss being happy right now. I laughed the other night. Truly laughed. I was goofy. I was silly. I miss smiling. I miss making other people smile just because I can.

There is always a time when we need peace. Peace is a good thing. But for now, I need to search for joy. Now excuse me while I go don my pirate hat and search for my map.