Busted

Is is possible for someone to be so selfless and protective and giving that they consistently come across as an asshole? Maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines. Maybe there isn't anything between the lines. Maybe there weren't any lines in the first place. He'd like me to believe that right now.

Last night was supposed to be girls night out. As planned there were to be about 15 of us dolled up in our girlie finest, out to take on the town. We were going to dance. We were going to eat chocolate. We were going to get hit on by every boy in the club. Because when life sucks, and you feel worthless and gross, nothing makes you feel better than having skeezy sweaty guy hit on you...right? Yeah...I think I seemed like I better idea than it would have been anyway.

Well, as with all good plans, it fell apart. The evening collapsed into three of us sitting at the local hang-out with the same old people drinking the same old things. For the most part it was still a good time. It was low key. It was what it was.

Through a series of events, George and I talked before I went out. We were having coffee waiting for the girls to get ready. He was crabby, he was stressed, he was picking fights where fights could be picked. I think there were about a million reasons he was stressed. I think one of them was simply that I was going out without him. With lipstick on. And my hair did. I was cute.

ANYWAY, as we're sitting there over our coffee, he looks at me and asks "So, are you going to be drunky McKissyface with some random guy tonight?" I told him that it would depend on whether he was still awake when I got done at the bar. See...since New Years he has made the decision that there is to be no more Amazing. None. Period. Ugh. We haven't had the complete discussion as to why. I have my theories. But he just drew a line in the sand and declared one day that the Amazing was over.

So, he said, "You're welcome to crash on the couch if your drunk, but you won't be drunky McKissyface with me." Being frustrated at this point, I asked if he would rather have me making out with someone else than cross the invisible line he arbitrarily drew in the sand. He said yes.

Of course he said yes. That's the point. BUSTED! He thinks that somehow in the course of the next few days I'm going to find someone else, or miraculously get over him, or move on, or somehow become completely comfortable with him leaving. And this is his way of trying to speed up the process. I think. Maybe. Then again maybe I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The thing is, that isn't a possibility. There is no way on earth that any of that will happen while he's still here. I'm years away from that, if it ever comes. At this point I don't really care if it ever comes. I'm not saying there won't be more tumbles in the hay. There will likely be a series of self destructive behavior before all this is over. That's just the way these things go. That's part of the healing process. It's natural. But I'm still months away from even being able to do that. And God forbid something actually happens to him while he's gone...who knows if I'll ever recover.

Either he is completely underestimating my feelings, or completely overestimating his power to push me away. That...or he's just an asshole. At this point...your guess is as good as mine.