Just

You asked me last night why. I told you I had other things on my mind. You wanted more of an answer than that. I'll give it to you here.

Here is where you read all of my thoughts. Here is where you read all of my insecurities. Here is where you read all of my deep secrets I didn't really want you to know. There were times when those thoughts and insecurities played on your own. When they caused problems. When you felt bad, or insignificant, or guilty, or to blame. That was never the point. The point was to wrap my head around what happened when you happened. And what you were when you happened. I still haven't figured that all out yet. Maybe I never will.

You never even responded. You just left. You just stopped. No questions. No arguments. No discussion. Done. I understand why. That's who you are. My first thought was "Oh my God what have I done".

The tension between whether I should back down and accept less than I wanted, and knowing that you would be perfectly content letting me go was more than I could handle. That you would let it go without a second thought. Thinking that your stubbornness would outweigh any rational thought. Knowing, without a doubt, that you had the ability to turn off and walk away without a second glance. And the realization that I would really never talk to you again...was more than I could handle.

I curled up on the couch in a ball. I cried for days. I sat on the computer waiting for you to IM me...like a crack head waiting for her next fix. I carried my phone with me everywhere I went, in the hope that you just might call. Words like "the" and "and" became too complex and confusing to study. Getting off the couch made it too difficult to study. Getting dressed became too much of a chore to leave the house. Basic hygiene went out the window. I was lost. I was afraid. I was miserable.

In that time I realized that I need you. I need you in whatever capacity you have. The thought of going back to being a "just" again is excruciating. I want to be more. I have been more. I love being more than just a "just" to you. But it is nothing in comparison to not having you at all. If all I get to be is a "just", I'm not happy but I will learn to be content. I will not push. I will not whine. I will not complain. I will not attempt to change your mind, or remake your decisions. Just is all I will be.

We have had a strict "no discussion on the blog" policy. I don't want discussion. I don't want more conversation. I don't want to talk about it and have the tension hanging over us like an axe man. But you asked. It may be an excuse. It may stink. But here it is.