To Dream The Impossible Dream

A few months ago I started having these dreams. I've heard of people who have had reoccurring dreams. But these aren't exactly reoccurring. They just continue. Like I'm living a separate life while I'm sleeping. When they started I would have one dream every few weeks. Then one every week or so. Then a couple times a week. Then almost every night. Then a couple of times a night. Now, it's almost every time I close my eyes. It is seriously driving me nuts. My subconscious is trying to tell me something I think.

But the dreams terrify me. They scare me so much I wake myself up out of the dream. Many times I'll wake up in a cold sweat. Most of the time falling asleep after I've woken up is almost impossible. And I always wake up at the same point. The point where my mind finally registers that it is in fact a dream, and I can in fact wake up.

See, when the dreams started they were about me and George. They were about the two of us doing normal things. Waking up together, making dinner together, fixing stuff around the house together. Normal things. But in every dream it would pick up where the last one left off. We would just continue fixing what we were fixing in the dream before.

Then one night, in my dream, I started planning our wedding. Yup. That's right. Our wedding. So far, in the dream (and like I said, it just keeps continuing where it left off...so it is pretty much one dream), we've picked out the invitations, the flowers, and the tuxes. We've decided on who will perform the ceremony, but we're still debating where the ceremony will be performed. His sister and I have gone shopping for dresses. His mother and I picked out the flowers (gladiolas, day lillies and white roses). His mother and my mother decided on the wording for the announcement in the paper. They also have discussed shopping for dresses together. We've decided who will be in the wedding party. We've picked out the reception hall. We've listened to bands for the reception. Seriously folks, this has been a very long, very complicated, very detailed dream.

And it's seriously eating into my beauty sleep.

I don't know what it means. It scares me. Seriously scares me. I don't believe in weddings. I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't believe in all that anymore.

I'm sure it has something to do with my subconscious wanting to know that he will be a part of my life for a long time. I'm sure it has something to do with my subconscious enjoying the time I spend with his family and not wanting that to end. I'm sure it has something to do with my fucked up perspective on relationships in general. And I'm sure the dream will eventually stop. At least I hope it does.

Part of the scariness of the dream is that while it is happening I like it. I like the planning. I like seeing him smile when I ask him about the cake. I like the concept that he's chosen me. I like that our families get along. I like that I get to hang out with his mom and his sister. I like looking at pretty dresses. I like decorating our living room and picking out kitchen stuff. I like it. And when I realise what it is that I like...and why it is that I like it...that's when I wake up in a cold sweat.