As he prepares to leave, he is a whirlwind of emotion. It is driving him nuts that he is a whirlwind full of emotion. He is used to containing his emotions. These are not containing.
That said, I don't know exactly what those emotions are. We "discussed" the fact that he's starting to emotionally distance himself. We "discussed" the fact that he is having a difficult time containing the emotions and locking them away. We "discussed" the fact that there are issues that we haven't "discussed".
He's worried about leaving his kids. He's worried about having to tell his kids he's leaving. He's worried about not coming home to his kids. He's pretty much generally worried about his kids. He's a fantastic dad. I've said it before, and despite all his faults, I'll say it again. He's an amazing father. Their reactions are going to rip his heart out, one way or another. It's a conversation he's been avoiding. Their mother is not particularly supportive of their relationship with him. I heard her on the phone today as he explained the situation to her. I understand her perspective. I understand her frustrations. I understand her hurt and anger. But I don't understand how she could possibly want to block a relationship between those kids and their dad.
He's worried about not coming home. Not here home, he's already decided that this is not his home any longer. He's worried that he will become a statistic. He's seen war. He's seen pain. He has memories of things that humans should not experience, much less remember. This is a rational fear.
And he's worried about saying goodbye to me. He's worried about me not talking to him once he leaves. He's worried that when he gets on the plane that I will not respond to e-mails, change my phone number and "disappear". Because that's what I do. I leave to avoid being left.
First, an explanation. Every man I have ever loved, who I do not have a blood connection to, has left me for the military. Every man I have ever loved has waived to me at the gate of the plane to go fight for our country. With him, I now have every branch of the military covered except the coast guard. I understand what happens. I have seen it enough. Once he leaves, the man I know will cease to exist. And in time, I will cease to exist for him as well.
That said, in preparation for the inevitable I have an arsenal tucked away in the back of my head. Issues that we haven't discussed so that they can be brought forth and remembered once he is gone. Things that I am angry about. Things that are unfinished business. Things that I know will make me less fond of the memory of who he is. You don't miss what you don't like. When what you don't like never comes back it doesn't hurt as bad.
There is one issue which we should probably address before he leaves. I am terrified to have this discussion. I'm terrified of his responses. I'm terrified of my own. Because of that fear, if the conversation doesn't happen I will not push it. I don't know if he will.
I don't know what's going to happen in three weeks. I don't know what's going to happen in three months or three years. Hell, I'm not particularly sure of tomorrow right now. I've come to rely on him holding me when I'm sad. I've come to need his advice when I'm feeling lost. I can't imagine facing what's coming without him. And that is my greatest fear right now.
So, in preparation of leaving I stockpile my own arsenal. I tuck away the things that will allow me to forget, and allow me to be forgotten.
About Me
- bslawg
- I ramble, and knit, and run, and bitch, and ramble. But occasionally there is something funny or interesting.
24 comments:
I now feel cheap for likening your vortex to mine.
I'm speechless.....I'll come back later.....
This guy is leaving in 3 weeks and hasn't told his kids yet? W. T. F. They need time to deal with this information. It's cowardly to avoid telling them something that is inevitable and impending. He may be a great dad, but bad, bad decision, particularly when it's going to impact them so drastically.
He hasn't told his kids?! Is he trying to make it worse for them because he doesn't want to deal with the conversation? Like Trouble said, WTF?
This post makes me sad. I can relate to how you feel about him. And it is even more tragic that this is a repeated situation. I wish you luck in the next three weeks and the fallout after that.
Yes, Trouble is right. WTF?!?! He hasn't told his kids? That's a shameful act to pull on his children. He should have told them when he knew. Fuck that, when he fucking signed up. It's one thing to hurt you (which I haven't forgiven, thank you very much), it's another thing to not tell his kids.
Amen, Trouble! Word, PW! WTF?
Please encourage him to tell the kids, hon. They deserve to have time to deal with it while he is here. They have the right to ask questions.
Love you, Law Girl! I know you'll survive this, I just wish you didn't have to.
No offense, lawgirl, but I'm thinking you're well-quit of this guy. How he's dealt with his kids about this situation, how he's dealt with you...dude is an utter narcissist. It's all about him, what will make him happy, blah, blah, blah.
Dude, and I'm directing these words to Mr. Stonecold: When you became a parent, it stopped being about you. Your kids had a right to have a voice in this decision. You are choosing a life path that will drastically impact them. You don't operate in a vacuum here. Your kids cannot help but be impacted by this choice, and not in good ways, either.
Further, the way you've treated lawgirl...bad. Bad, bad, bad. No matter what justifications you may offer, you have NOT been a good friend here. You've used the friendship between the two of you to manipulate her, use her, and ultimately, harm her.
Lawgirl...I don't know why you chose to put yourself in this situation, or why you don't feel like you deserve better, but you do. You SO do.
Ok all...a little clarification. He made the decision to answer the call to go back in a while ago. But, with all things military, the game was hurry up and wait. Even though they asked him to go back, even though he willingly volunteered, there have still been innumerable hurdles which have had to be crossed before it was a go. He passed the physical yesterday. That was the final hurdle. Now we know, for sure, without a doubt, that he is going.
Also, the kids live with their mom, in a different state, 8 hours away. She won't let them talk to him on the phone. She only lets him visit for one week at christmas and six weeks in the summer, despite the wording of the divorce decree, which is an entirely different issue.
That said, without the above facts I would agree with you all on him not telling the kids yet. But he didn't want to tell the kids until he knew for sure that he was leaving, and before he could do it face to face. Given all of the factors I wouldn't have told them before now either. It would have just been getting them all worked up for nothing if something fell through.
I don't mean to sound defensive. There are very valid reasons to think he's an ass. I just don't think this is one of them.
Trouble - I'm so glad to see you back, I haven't seen you in a while. I LOVE you're insite and always have.
Chris - Thanks dear.
PBW - It's nice to know you have my back.
Osquer - Thanks for your words of encouragement.
I know I'll get through it. I know I've done some dumb things. I know there are some things I should have done differently. And next time maybe I will.
Okay, I was coming back to say that I still didn't know what to say....But, then so many others so elegantly said it for me....
Ok...just read your comment. Still not sure about it all...but...
I know you will get threw this too. I know you are strong. I know you are an intelligent woman who followed her heart. And, there is nothing dumb about that!
I feel this compulsive need to apologize or something when I read this. I guess, I just don't know what to say. I think it's amazing that you're so self aware that you know what you're doing with your arsenal, but I wish there was a way to make you not feel the need to do the stockpiling.
What Sean said....exactly what Sean said
Thanks for clarifying, sorry I was so harsh. That does make a difference in the kid situation, but I stand by what I said about his treatment of you.
Here's my take on it...I think you should move to Denver and date Sean.
LOLz.
Trouble, I literally spit coffee on my moniter at that.
Like I said. There are plunty of reasons to think he's an ass. I just don't think that's one of them.
And why should ne not move here and date me? Why do I have to do all the work?
Oh yeah...and Mike - Welcome to the vortex inside the vortex...it's always a fun ride.
Because I thought you were leaving, anyway...since the world is your oyster, why not Denver? I hear it's a great place to be single. ;)
Trouble...you are trouble.
To all of the people that read this blog. I do not make comments on here very often. I do my best to just read the blog and take in the comments. None of you know who I am or what I am about, all you know is the one side of the story that you get here from Lawgirl. It is a very onesided blog. That is as it should be. Lawgirl comes here to discuss frustrations and emotions. Then everyone comments on the thought of the moment. I am not a person that prejudges or even judges people based on a blog. I am just a little tired of everyone telling Lawgirl what a jackass, jerk, prick, ass, or other nasty name I am when none of you know me. Everyone is entitled to your own opinions, but none of you have all the information, and you never will. I will not be posting blogs in my defence or blogs about the frustrations of dating Lawgirl or the pain I have because I am not only going to be leaving my home, my family, and my friends, but my best friend, my confidant, and my lover. I am not going to post a blog about how I feel about Lawgirl, deep down she knows how I feel. At this point there is no point in saying it outload. I am giving up all that makes me happy to follow the path that I think is the best one. I am more scared now than I have ever been in my life. When I am alone I cry. This has been the toughest decision in my life and it pisses me off that everyone here says goodridence to Mr. Stonecold, you are much better without him. I am a good man. I do have feelings. I am a normal human being. Our relationship was supposed to one of friend with bennifits, it has blossumed into so much more than it was supposed to be, but in the end, yes, I am leaving. I am leaving everything behind. And it hurts more than any of you will ever know.
Mr. Stonecold
And now my responce directly to Lawgirl. Thank you for explaining the situation with my boys. With that said, if you really think I am such an ass, and you are "stock pileing" stuff to be mad at me so you don't have to talk to me after I leave, then you are the ass. You are my best friend!!!!!!! I don't want to loose you as a friend. You have been so much more than just a friend and you know it!!!!!!! We both have crossed the line that was made when we started this relationship. We said at the beginning that no matter what happened we would remain friends. Now you want to not be friends. And yes, on this point I am being very selfish. I do not want to loose you!!!!!! If things had been different and the current situation was not happening, there is no telling what might have been. I try not to dwell on the what coulda been and be happy with the what we have right now. I do not want to fight with you before I leave. I do want to enjoy what time we have left.
Stonecold,
You are right. We hear lawgirl's side and to lawgirl we comment. Through her hurt we hurt for her. We sometimes forget that you do read the blog....although we aren't entirely sure why you do....anyway, I digress.... Thank you for your post. Thank you for admitting to us that it became more. We all needed to hear that....esp. lawgirl. And, I do think there is a reason to say it out loud....even now. Saying something out loud validates it. It makes it real. It makes it hurt less. Isn't that why you pushed her to say it awhile back?
Once upon a time, I wanted to run away. I put the house on the market and began the paper work for the peace corp. But, the house didn't sell. And, they won't take you if you have debt, so it kinda fell through.
I share this story, becasue I wonder if you are both running away. Be it physically or emotionally....
But, yours didn't fall through and you are now dealing with it.
I don't think that you honestly believe it is the best thing....hence the fears and the tears....yeah, I teach kindergarten things tend to rhyme in my life occassionally....oh well...you get my point.
I think it was a shock for a lot of us that you hadn't told your kids. But, like you said, we didn't know the whole story....
And, apparently, we never will....
Alright, I'll stop now....This is me operating on a full night's sleep....haven't had that in a while...feeling pretty damn good....guess you probably liked it better when I was speechelss thouugh, huh???
Mr. Stonecold, Thank you for your direct response to Law Girl and her readers. I never thought "good riddance Mr. Stonecold." (Though I did refer to you as a twit, but that was because I felt your behavior was stupid and causing unnecessary suffering to both Law Girl and yourself.) I just wished that you had the capability to be happy with Law Girl. You have denied yourself that.
I also see why Law Girl is pulling away from you. You are making her feel like you will never come back. You appear to believe that yourself. You offer her no hope for even your survival. (Do you assume you will die over there? Then why are you going? Suicide does not promote freedom or peace. You are not going into the military to "give your life for your country." You are going to fight for those you care about. Part of your duty to your country is to keep yourself and your fellow soldiers alive!) Where there is no hope there is despair. We must all turn our back on despair to survive with our sanity intact.
If you *unmentionable word deleted* Law Girl you should tell her. What purpose would it serve? None but to make a woman happy. One word from you can give her lasting happiness to treasure. Even if she never sees you again, she will know your heart and be comforted by it.
osquer is a genius stonecold....listen to her.....
and just for the record, if you ever call b an ass again, I will kick yours.....
OMG!OMG! It's about time Stonecold. It's about time. I'm proud of you for getting honest with yourself, in relation towards your feelongs about lawgirl. But it still needs to be said out loud before you go. I don't remember who said, but if your going to make lawgirl do it, then you should do the same. Your best friends. Equals. Now act like it and tell her. She deserves to hear it come from your mouth. And you deserve to hear it come out of hers.
Yeah, I said it, what? Lawgirl, I know you have become more relaxed in the pet name department for a while now. Now get relaxed and tell him how you feel. You both know it. So what's the point in keeping it locked away in both of you?
Is it the worst thing to figure out that you 2 love eachother?
Is it the worst thing to admit that both of your walls have been torn down?
Is it the worst thing to "lay your armore down"?
Is it the worst thing to love and be loved...by your best friend?
Is it the worst thing?
I love you both. Both of you are like family to me. I've been hearing both sides, but mostly lawgirls because, she's my best friend. But I listen nonetheless. Stonecold, I will miss you. miss fetting coffee when I'm to bored and I think i might go crazy if I stay in my house another second, but I understand why you've made your choice. I fully support it and I know it's hard.
I can't imagine what it feels like to have this broadcasted like a celeb. Sometimes, I think this blog is like a tabloid. Don't get me wrong, I like gossip as much as the next gal, but to the rest of you: I agree with a lot of your feeling and thoughts. However, because it's almost time for him to go, it's time to back off. Lawgirl has made her choices along with Stonecold. I believe we should just let them enjoy their last few weeks together. Instead of trying to justify whatever happens on a date night. I've had the same frustrations as all of you. Trust, me. There have times when I've wanted to kill the both of them. And I live by them and have the capacity to do so. But then again, what would we have to read in the blog world if I did that? See, I like gossip and drama. But let's just say that you have a dying father and your relationship woth him isn't the healthiest. But he's your dad. You love him nonetheless. Would you want people constantly telling you that he's a prick? Even if you did agree, that would be rude now, wouldn't it? So, in my opinion alone, we all need to shut up and let it ride out. We can pitch a fit later.
As for you Ms Lawgirl, empty out that stock pile. Wasn't it both of you who told me that I had to tell Mr. Hotstuff that I was pissed? Hmm? Yeah, thought so. We're getting coffee this afternoon. I love you, sweetie.
The subject has been breached by both of us and I am told that "I do not want to know the answer to that question". I respond with "You already know the answer to that question". That is where it was last left. I do not, nor did I ever intend to hurt Lawgirl. The reasons for my fears are mostly because I know what I am getting into when I join the military. As much as I know that this is the right decision, I also know that there is a chance for death. I made this decision because it solves long term problems for the long term. I am sad because I know what I am giving up in this decision. I am fearfull because there is a chance that I won't come back. Lawgirl is my best friend. I do not say that lightly. I am the type of person that counts their friends on one hand, not because I am not friendly, but because I know and respect what a friend is. Lawgirl is one of the best people I have ever met. She makes me happy, very happy. I love her and she loves me. That isn't the way it was supposed to end up, but it did. I wish I could change that because I know how much it hurts both of us to know that we aren't going to be together anymore. I am doing my best with the situation to try to keep her as a part of my life, but I know that she will not be. When I get on the plane and ship out, that will be the end. That is by her choice, so she can deal with it. I will go back into my emotional freezer and become Mr. Stonecold again. I will concetrate on my job and what has to be done and cherish the memories of what we had together. I will try not to dwell on what might have been. That does no good. I will never find anyone like Lawgirl again, but I am happy for the moment to still have her.
Mr. Stonecold
P.S. I read the blog because it is the only way I find out most of the time that what Lawgirl is feeling. She has a tendancy to get mad and then wait 3 weeks before brining something up. By that time she has had all of you to get her even more rilled up about something that 9 time out of 10 was a small misscommunication.
In the end, only the two people in the situation truly know how it is for them. But people are always going to think and say whatever they want. It's unforunate, but it is how it works. And it's also unfortunate that it has to hurt you both.
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