Yeah...so...huah

Wow. Um. Yeah. So...how 'bout those Broncos huah? They won last week. Looks like a good year. Even though I'm not a huge Plummer fan...I don't know why I just can't get over my Johnny bein gone.

I'm not a huge fan of drama. Based on the evidence presented I know that is difficult to believe, but usually I do my best to avoid the subject so that drama doesn't occur. That's one of the reasons for the blog. So that I can have my own emotional drama in an anonymous setting without it bleeding into my "real" life. Sometimes my real life just bleeds into my anonymous drama.

The other night, before his physical, Stonecold and I hung out for a little bit. We "discussed" some things. We didn't really discuss anything, but we talked about things we should probably talk about at some point. We alluded to things we didn't want to talk about at any point. One of the "alluded to" issues, at least based on my interpretation of the conversation, was how we are feeling about each other right now.

I've said before that I don't know how to read him when it comes to how he feels about me. Hell, that's the subject of 95% of the entries since I started this damn thing. I've said before that I assume everything is still at baseline until he tells me differently, and that everything else is just in my head. And now he goes and says things...things that he's never said to me in person. Things that change the baseline significantly. Things that recognize that the baseline has been changed already. Damn it.

After we hung out the other night I was so befuddled I called Ms. Twinkie because I needed to talk. I told her generally about the discussions. I told her that he admitted we have been "dating". I told her how much this whole thing sucked. She smiled. She asked me three questions and told me she didn't want to know the answers yet. I've been thinking about the questions ever since. And after yesterday's comments, I'm thinking about them even more.

She asked (1) Is it the worst thing in the world if you love each other? (2) Is it the worst thing in the world if he...(I still can't say it) "consider something more permanent"? and (3) Would you wait for him?

First, obviously none of these things are the worst things in the world. Starving children, war, the current government administrative messup...those are the worst things in the world. Feelings are not.

As for (1) Evidently we already love each other...at least in his head. He still won't say it out loud...but that's another issue. That brings a whole mess of issues all it's own. We talked the other night about a big issue. THIS was the big issue. I didn't know what to expect to the answer to this. In my head I hoped he loved me...but then again I've thought he had feelings for me for a while. And that's usually when the "I don't love you like that and I never will" conversation occurs. I didn't want to go through that again.

But...well...we all know how that turned out now don't we. So now what? That's the next big scary thing. I'm in love with my best friend and it's the most amazing thing I've ever had. He's the most amazing guy I've ever met. In all possibility he's the only one who could ever break through to the part that he's broken through to...simply by being stubborn. That's how he is. That's how I am. We work well together.

But, he's leaving. And when he leaves he has said he's not coming back here. And where does that leave me? It leaves me here. Alone. In love with a man who will never come back to get me. A man who sees no future beyond getting on the bus to go away. And that makes me sad.

At the same time...holy shit. I don't believe in futures. I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't believe in soul mates. I am the person who believes love is a mental chemical imbalance. FUCK! What the hell. The fact that I even consider past tomorrow with this guy scares the living shit out of me. Sorry SBS...I'm swearing.

That said...I think I've addressed all three points. None of them are the worst things in the world. I don't know that I have a choice in waiting for him, but I don't expect him to come back. I just know I will never find another man like him. I will never find another man stubborn enough to break through my walls. I will never find another man who is my best friend, makes me laugh and cry, and makes me want to kill him after I hug him to death. And I don't even want to look.

That's all I have to say about that.