Neo-Feminism Qualification

In keeping with the quandary that is the conundrum of my love life, I'm in a constant state of evolving analysis and confusion. Ok, so let me qualify that statement. It isn't so much my love life as it is the ongoing relationship with my emotionally unavailable man friend. There is no love. Ok, so let me qualify that statement. There is love, it's just not romantic love. Ok, so let me qualify that statement. At times it is romantic, but it's not romantic love. Ok, let me qualify that statement. There is a type of love, just not love love. See what I mean?

One of the attractions to the relationship in the beginning was the lack of possiveness. We would see each other a couple times a week, chat occasionally, and we were both comfortable with that. We've seen each other almost every day this week. On the days we haven't seen each other he's called me and told me to come over. He calls me at least twice a day, and now we have "coffee chat" time in the morning before he goes to work. I seriously talk to him more than I talk to the voices in my head. They're starting to get jealous. But I like it. When I don't talk to him, I miss him. On the days I don't see him I can't wait to see him again.

Not only that, but he's not even trying to hide things from the kids. Not that we're making out in front of the kids, but I assumed it would be the same kind of arrangement with the kids as it is with everyone else...Purely platonic until the lights go off. Yeah, not really. The other night we were cuddling on the couch and one of the kids came out to ask for water. He didn't even move. He just looked up and acted like it was no big deal. I don't know about you, but when I was 13 if I had caught my dad cuddling with a woman on the couch it would have fucked me up in all sorts of strange ways.

THAT and we have "family time". Don't get me wrong, his kids are great. I adore his kids. But it's not really the kids, it's the package. I go over about dinner time (because that's usually when we hang out anyway), and they're all eating at the kitchen table. I'll putter around until they're done, we'll all do dishes together and clean up, and then all four of us curl up on the couch together and watch tv. One big happy...yeah. I don't know what he's telling them about me. I don't know that he's telling them anything. But having formerly been a 13 year old child, I can imagine that they think we're dating. So how do you explain to them that we're not really dating, we're just fuck buddies who like each other?

I think it has significantly less to do with me and more to do with him. Mr. Stonecold is a very traditional kind of guy. He's always wanted the "Donna Reed" lifestyle. The little yellow house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids and the dog named spot. Since his divorce (over 5 years ago) life hasn't turned out like that. But when he has the kids, and I come over to visit he can pretend. I think he likes to live in that fantasy for a while.

The thing is, as much as I rebel from the traditional suburban lifestyle, I like it too. I enjoy having the boys playing around in the living room. I like the bustle of "family time". It feels good when he looks at me with a twinkle in his eye when one of the kids says something funny. It's comfortable to curl up on the couch and feel like I'm a part of...well that. Somehow it just feels right.

One of the ongoing revelations with this relationship is that what I thought I was looking for my whole life may not really be what I want. The things I thought I didn't want in a relationship I'm finding I really enjoy. The things I thought I absolutely needed in a relationship I'm finding aren't as essential as I once believed. Maybe I've been looking for the wrong Mr. Right the whole time. Maybe I'm changing with old age. Maybe the stars and planets are aligned in a very feminine way right now. Maybe I've spent so much time fighting against the patriarchy that I've neglected a part of my feminine nature I didn't know I had. Maybe I just need a drink.