This Is Why There Are Nuns

Ok, so I know I'm a girl. I know I'm all over the board sometimes. I'm allowed to be. Why? Because I said so damn it.

I'm so pissed off right now I don't even know what to do other than write. The thing is, I don't really know why I'm so pissed off.

I'm sick of having to justify my emotions. I'm sick of having to qualify my statements. I'm disgusted with myself for not jumping up and down and kicking him in the ass. He's obviously got an issue with our relationship that he is incapable of voicing in a way that I understand. Unless that issue is that he just wants me to go away.

Last night he got drunk. Vary rarely is he drunker than me. Usually I'm the drunk one. But I was driving. Once again we got into the middle of the "what are we, why are we, who are we" conversation. Brought up by him nonetheless. Damn it, just let it be! Once again he told me I deserved someone who would love me and cherish me and treat me like the pretty pretty princess. And that I should go find that person.

I told him, once again, that I'm happy where we are. Yes, I have an emotional attachment. Yes, I care about him, but that doesn't mean I want to get married, or raise his kids, or move in with him, or talk about growing old together on the front porch. I just want to be what we are. Why do we have to analyze where we're going? I know where we're going. Nowhere. That has been made very clear numerous times.

Last night I think I hit my breaking point. He has made it very clear that he doesn't love me. He has made it very clear that he never will...not in that way. He has made it very clear that there is something bothering him about the relationship, but hasn't been very clear on what that is. He has made it very clear that I deserve someone else. Maybe I should quit hanging around and go find it. That's what he's telling me to do. I think last night I started feeling like an idiot for being where I'm obviously not wanted.

I know a lot of what he's doing is self protection. I understand that he doesn't believe he deserves to be happy, and that what we have makes him happy. I understand that what we have does not conform to the preconceived notions of a "relationship" that he has in his head. I understand that he is reacting out of fear. But at some point I can't keep beating a dead horse.

This is supposed to be the fun relationship. This is supposed to be the unemotional, sex only, no strings attached relationship. I have worked harder to keep this relationship together than I have for many of my "real" relationships. For what? Why? When he keeps telling me that it's worthless.

I think I need to not see him for a while. He's got emotions he won't recognize. I have emotions requiring apologies and qualifications. I don't believe that is a healthy situation for either of us.

Then again, when he calls I'll likely change my mind. Damn I hate this.

And Blogger sucks. I can't upload pictures again. Damn Damn and Double Damn!