Therapy Session

I'm pissed. I'm really really really pissed. The problem is I don't really know why.

So Friday, Mr. Stonecold and I hung out. (Shocking I know). I was going to get plastered come hell or high water. He was the designated driver. We ended up going over to his sister's house after I was already marginally drunk. She's awesome. She's quickly becoming one of my favorite people in the world.

Anyway, she wanted to play truth or dare. Kind of corny, but fun. After a few rounds she asked me if I was truly ok with Mr. Stonecold and the status of our relationship. Mr. Stonecold was sitting right there. Truth be told all you have to do is read the past three months to know I'm not truly happy with the status of the relationship. Why I am not happy is a little more difficult to discern. So, being Truth or Dare, I answered truthfully. Some thing’s about the relationship are just fine. Then there are other things, as with in every relationship, that are not perfect. (I know such a lawyer answer wasn't it?)

I knew that would get him thinking, and probably piss him off a little, but I was drunk. He probably would have left it at that had I not continued to get drunk and become drunky McIloveyouman. I'm one of those. I'll admit it. I LOVE everyone when I'm drunk. I am someone who should not be allowed anywhere near a Los Vegas chapel when I'm even slightly tipsy. I'd marry a lamp. I'm a loving drunk. What can I say.

So we got back to his place from his sister's, and I was tired so I went to lay down in his bed. Honestly, that's the last thing I remember until 5:00 am when I got up and left. Evidently at some point he came to bed and I said "When are you going to admit we're dating, you know we're dating you just won't admit it. That's ok though we'll just take it slow." Now, let me regress a little and explain. A few months ago I got hammered and we were in the middle of Amazing when evidently I blurted out the "L" word. That freaked him out for a little while, until I explained that he should never listen to anything emotional I say when I'm drunk. See the above I'm the loving drunk. Evidently he didn't remember/believe/agree with this analysis of my drunkenness. So he got freaked. Again. For someone who has no emotions tied up in this thing he sure freaks a lot.

Yesterday was the race. I ran. He and Ms. Twinkie came to watch. They then spent the rest of the day hanging out, and discussing our relationship. (Again, odd behavior for someone who has no emotional basis in all this isn't it?) I didn't know they had hung out. I didn't know they had spent the whole day discussing our relationship. I didn't know he was upset that I had told him we were dating. And I didn't know I was going to walk into an emotional confrontation. So I went over last night to hang out. We were watchin tv and playing video games and he turned the volume down on the TV and looked at me and said we needed to talk. He said that after the talk he had with Ms. Twinkie he realized that either (a) I needed a title, (b) I needed the relationship to start progressing towards something else or (c) we needed to stop sleeping together. Not being prepared in any way shape or form for this conversation I sat there dumbfounded for a second.

I finally gathered my thoughts and told him we were dating. That I truely believed we were dating, and that didn't change the way I felt about the rest of our relationship. Seriously. We're dating. Call it peanuts or mustard plaster, we're dating. The problem is simply in the definition. So here are the options:

Marriage - Marriage is defined as someone you used to like until you walked down the isle with them. We're not married.

Engaged - Engaged is defined as getting ready to make the biggest mistake of your life without nearly enough alcohol, and maxing out all your credit cards while you do it. We're not engaged.

In a Serious Relationship - A/K/A "living together", "partners". Defined as people who have stopped worrying about whether they fart in front of the other person, don't worry about what they look like, and still don't harbor concerns that they will wake up alone in the morning. ‘I love you’ must have been exchanged at least once, and usually on a minimum of a weekly basis. These people have anniversaries, and fight over which parent's will get the annual Christmas visit this year. We're not in a serious relationship.

In Love - This is defined as that brief moment where everything is wonderful, you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with the other person, but they haven't started irritating you yet. We're not in love. We're both too smart to fall in love.

Dating – Dating is defined as people who are monogamous, enjoy spending time together, and aren’t looking for other people to be monogamous with. Generally, sex is already involved, but not necessarily. We’re fricken dating people.

Seeing Each Other – The SEO’s are people who occasionally go out for dinner, hang out, and enjoy each other’s company. There is no understanding of exclusivity. Sex may or may not be involved. We’re past this stage.

Friends With Benefits – The Beneficial Friendship is more than a one night stand, but less than seeing each other. Sex is the fundamental foundation of the relationship, with no understandings of exclusivity or attachment. AKA Booty call. We’re more than friends with benefits.

One Night Stand – The One Night Stand generally involves alcohol, and waking up thinking “What the Hell”. It happens once. If it happens more than once it has advanced to a beneficial friendship.

Just Friends – Just friends are the people who remain anatomically incorrect. These are the people you don’t even want to imagine naked. They can be of either gender without drawing into question your sexuality. You will never kiss your friends. You will never sleep with your friends. Your friends are anatomically incorrect.

People You Don't Know – Obviously, People you don’t know are people you don’t know.

So, by process of elimination we’re dating. As I’ve said before. He still doesn’t see it as dating. “Dating” freaks him out so much that he is willing to stop the beneficial friendship if I call it dating. He is willing to compromise at “seeing each other”.

He’s scared. I understand that. Most women go from “dating” to expecting more in 5.2 sec. I’m not like that.

I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to live with him. I don’t want him to live with me. I don’t want to know where he is every second of every day. I don’t want to have to tell him where I am every second of every day. I don’t want to fight over holidays. I don’t want to get pissed that he forgot our anniversary. We don’t have an anniversary. I don’t want one. I don’t want him to tell me I spent too much money on my new shoes. I don’t want to get mad that he dropped $200 on video games. I don’t want to do his laundry, clean his house, pay his bills, make his dinner, take his dry-cleaning in to the cleaners, or run any other stupid errands for him. I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.

I do want someone who wants to be with me because of who I am and not just because I’m available. I want someone who I look forward to spending time with. I want someone that calls me because he’s thinking of me and not because he feels like he has to. I want someone who will make me want to be a better person. I want someone where I’m not worried that he is out screwing around with someone else. I want someone who will comfort me when I’m sad, pick me up when I’m feeling down, and cheer me on when I’m feeling unworthy. I want someone I can snuggle with. I want someone I can fall asleep with, but not have to sleep with every night. I want someone who will think about me throughout the day, but not sit outside my building and wait for me to get off work. I want someone who has friends I don’t know. I want someone who likes my friends. I want someone who thinks I’m pretty. I want someone who wants to sleep with me because he finds me sexy and attractive. I want someone who thinks my skin is soft and my eyes are the most amazing blue he has ever seen. I want someone to kiss me when I walk in the door and tell me he missed me. I want someone to have sex with more than once a week. I want someone who doesn’t think sex has to be done with the lights off. I want someone who doesn’t think kinky sex is when the lights are on.

All in all Mr. Stonecold is hitting about 85% on the “what I want” scale, and about 100% on the “what I don’t want” scale. Not too bad. In all reality I don’t expect to find 100% of what I want anywhere. So I’m willing to make compromises. He doesn’t have the ability to think I’m pretty, or sexy, or attractive, or miss me. It confuses him. Those are emotions that, in his mind, have no place in our relationship. In reality, he can’t face those emotions. Those emotions lead him to a place he is unwilling to go. If he allows himself to go there he will fall in love. He will hurt whoever he is in love with. He will get hurt. He’s stone cold.

So, he has to go out of town this week. He’s leaving tomorrow morning. I’m going over there again tonight. It may be for more hash out of what our relationship is or is not. We may not be having sex anymore. I don’t know.