Galactically Unworthy

We talked last night. We are not dating. We will never date. To him I am not a worthy person to date. That was made clear. He is naught but a walking sex toy, and neither am I. He feels nothing for me because I am not worthy of those feelings.

Evidently he does believe in romance. He believes in sending flowers and buying chocolates. He believes in knights in shining armor and wants to be one. He calls that dating. No wonder he got so pissed when I tried to say we were dating. We're not, by his definition. Nor will we ever.

What that tells me is that he sees me as a means to an end. I am but a tool to be used to do a job. The job is to get him off, which I can only assume I do adequately. I am nothing more, nor will I ever be. I am not the pretty pretty princess. I am not worthy of being rescued by the knight in shining armor. The knight will go home at the end of the day to the princess in the tower who is worthy of his actions. I am not her.

It's a real killer to know the guy you are with, who you previously thought incapable of emotion, has a deep cavern of feelings. Just not towards you. It sucks to know that you are not special in any way, and only the upgraded version of his hand. It makes you feel like a tool to think that you once thought that you served a unique function to realize that you are completely interchangeable. I am not unique. I am not special. I am not chosen by him in any way. I was there. I was available. I was willing.

The thing is I don't know that I want to be worthy. I don't want to get married. I don't want to move in with him. I like the relationship just exactly as it stands. The only problem now is that I recognize that I am not special. Aside from the ego kick, it really doesn't change anything. He's never going to think I'm special. He's never going to think I'm unique. He's never going to think I'm wonderful and terrific. Because to him I'm not.

Still, the Amazing is Amazing. I don't really want that to stop. I just need to get everything in check. We're not dating. We never will. Not by his definition anyway, and his definition won't change in his mind. The difficult thing is I like him. I like him as a human being. We like spending time together. We're really good friends. That's the "friends" part of the relationship I don't want to change.

So what do I do? Do I stop having Amazing with him? Do I stop hanging out with him? Do I stuff down the rejection and dehuminazation and keep going? I don't know. I can't stop hanging out with him. We're friends. We decide when we started this whole thing that the friendship meant more than anything else and that wouldn't change. It won't. I won't let it. He won't let it. We'll still hang out.

So do I stop having Amazing with him? I don't really want that either. I've gotten spoiled. He's fantastic. I've gotten used to having someone who's sex drive is as high as mine. Having sex more than once a week is not something that comes along very often. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to catch, or getting pregnant. It's fantastic. He knows what I want, how I want it and when to stop. I know what he likes, what he doesn't like, and when to keep going. All in all it's not something I really want to give up.

That leaves stuffing down the rejection and dehumanization to keep going. I think I can do that. Right now it's not so bad. It will hurt pretty bad when he does find the pretty pretty princess to spoil. I will be jealous. I will be jealous whether we stop being friends and stop having sex right now or not. If anything it will keep me humble.

But all in all I feel like a big piece of shit today. I feel like one of the Borg (and not in a good way like 7 of 9). I am not one in a million, but one of a million. I am galactically unworthy.