Pins and Needles

What an amazing week it has been. As amazing as it was, I'm pissed off, frustrated, and generally discontented with life.

On Friday I faced my biggest fear. A little background on my biggest fear may be necessary. I hate needles. I recognize that there are many people who don't like needles, but I hate needles. I have panic attacks when the Doctor has to prick my finger to do the blood test. I hyperventilate at the thought of having to get a flu shot. I hate needles. So, to face my biggest fear I got pierced. Twice. And not in my ears. Yup, you got it. The naughty pillows have holes now. I didn't freak out. I didn't have a panic attack. And now I have metal in my boobs.

On Sunday I did what I never dreamed possible. I ran the 8k course. The race isn't until next week, but I had to do a test run to make sure I wasn't going to make an ass out of myself. All in all I was pretty impressed. I didn't die, pass out, puke, or feel the need to hijack a skateboard. Who knew I could be athletic? Nobody. I'm not. But I did run 5 miles.

On Tuesday I got fed up with Mr. Stonecold. I don't know that I'm fed up. I don't know what I am. But I do know that the cost benefit analysis of keeping the Amazing versus having to find someone who actually cares about me is starting to tip in favor of finding the door.

Mr. Stonecold went with me to get pierced. He was wonderful. He was kind, and caring, and comforting. He held my hand, and stroked my head. I know he cares about me. He just won't admit it to himself. If he can't admit it to himself, he will never admit it to me. The thing is, I want someone to tell me they care about me. Mr. Stonecold is not that man. It's ok that he's not that man. I don't expect him to be that man. He has never been anything but honest in saying he didn't want to be that man. Unfortunately I'm getting to the point where I want that man. The more Mr. Stonecold does the "sweet" "boyfriendlike" things, the more it makes me want a sweet boyfriend. There's an oxymoron for you. But nonetheless, I want one. Too bad I can't just run down to Walgreens and pick one up.

I went over to Mr. Stonecold's yesterday for a bootycall. It was very clear from the get go (Monday night) that we were both in the need of a bootycall and "hangin out" was not the purpose of the visit. I got there, and we sat on the couch and watched TV, and chatted for about an hour. HELLLOOOOOO. Then he got up and went in the kitchen and started doing dishes. What the hell!!! Am I so unattractive - even as a hole - that dishes are more exciting? So I got up and went into the bedroom and started reading. Eventually he came in and we...well...you know.

But what the hell was that? It's almost like (a) he really wanted to hang out instead of "gettin it on", (b) he was totally unattracted to me or (c) he was nervous. I'm counting out (c) simply because this guy doesn't get nervous. He would walk around naked in public if he didn't have to risk arrest to do so. I just don't understand. I'm simply lost. I'm frustrated with him. Oh well, what did I expect really? He is a man.