Whole Hole

How come we always seek that which is worst for us to obtain? Why do we seek the knowledge that will ultimately cause harm? Why do we ask the questions, when we know we really don't want to know the answers?

Mr. Jackass has been on my mind. He loves me. We've hung out a few times. Nothing has happened. He calls me every day. He tells me how wonderful I am. He tells me I am the most amazing woman in the world. He tries to be understanding, in his own way. The problem is the longer he does this, the less and less I care.

I love him. There is a part of me that will always love him. We shared some very emotional years together. Because of him the emotional and psychological changes I have been through have been amazing. I needed him in that season of my life. But I don't want him anymore. I just don't know how to tell him.

I want to keep in contact with him. I want to know how the story ends. I want to keep in touch. But I don't want to be his girlfriend. I don't want to be his lover. I don't want to be his best friend. I just want to keep tabs on what's going on.

There is a part of me that does not want to let go because he is finally becoming the man I knew he could always be. He's finally becoming responsible. He's finally accepting that he is not the center of the universe. Shouldn't I get to enjoy a little of this? I don't want to.

Which begs the question...maybe I was just in it for the thrill of the hunt. Maybe I just wanted to see if I could unleash him from the bonds that kept him from growing. Maybe I wanted to see if I could save him. Maybe I didn't love him.

So what does that mean with Mr. Stonecold? Mr. Stonecold is the subject of all my daydreams. I think about him when I wake up in the morning, and when I'm falling asleep at night. We cuddle. CUDDLE!!!! In the last week he has started kissing me good bye. It feels like he's crossing the "friends with benefits" line. We're undeniably more than a beneficial friendship. But we're sure as hell not really dating. I know he has some feelings for me, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me. I have some feelings for him, but I'm not sure I love him either. Am I just looking at him as the thrill of the hunt? Is it only because I can't have him that I want him? Once I get him am I going to do the same thing I've done with Mr. Jackass? I don't want that.

All I really want is peace and quiet. I want someone to cuddle with when I need a hug. I want someone to fulfill my physical, emotional, physchologial and spiritual need for a connection. I want someone who is my better half. But I don't want to be the worse half. I want to be whole on my own.