I'm a glutton for punishment. Or he's got some sort of hold on me that I've never allowed anyone to have before. Or I'm sick in the head. Or it's the evil monkeys. I'm voting for evil monkeys. Evil monkeys make me smile for some reason.
I'm back in town for a while. Since I can't find a house, it's easier to crash here than it is to crash there. All my stuff is safe in storage until June, so all I have to worry about is my body. I have a tendency to go a little OCD when I get excited about something. I'm a little excited about finding a new house. So, I've decided I'm not allowed to worry about that until I've finished the whole bar thing. Otherwise I'll burn all my bar studying time on the net designing my new house, looking for my new house, shopping for my new house, or something of the like.
George is still here too.
Since we're both still in town for a while, and therefore don't have to do the long distance thing, and since he loves me oh so very much, you'd think things would settle back in to "normal" for a little while. Um...no. He still wants to hang out. He still wants to talk. He still wants to go grab coffee. But there is nothing normal about it.
I know what's going on. He's pushing me away. I don't know exactly why he's pushing me away, but he is. He's breaking plans when we make plans to hang out. He calls, but then won't talk. We go for coffee and he doesn't have anything to say. I ask him questions and he simply doesn't respond. And the responsive actions I get now are inconsistant with what he told me they would be a week ago. He's pushing me away.
I understand the generals of why. He's doing it to "protect" himself. He's doing it to "protect" me. He wants us both to move on, but not really. The thing is, I can only handle so much pushing before I walk out of the zone of being pushed. He's my best friend. He's the love I never thought I would find. But if he doesn't want me around I'm not going to push the issue.
It's hard. It's hard trying to figure out how I'm supposed to act. How I'm supposed to feel. What picture of me he wants to see. So I'm going to quit trying. I'm a hurt, scared, tired, angry, frustrated little girl. What you see is what you get. I don't lie well. I've never been able to lie well. I can't lie and pretend everything is ok. It's not. It sucks.
About Me
- bslawg
- I ramble, and knit, and run, and bitch, and ramble. But occasionally there is something funny or interesting.
7 comments:
Or maybe his intentions aren't all that complicated and he's just an asshole. But he doesn't want to feel bad about being an asshole to a good and decent human being whose only mistake is falling in love with him, so he's trying to cloak his intentions in something better than what they really are.
Yeah...but I was trying to be nice.
Nice? What's the advantage in that? ;)
Be angry. it feels better. Be rabidly pissed off and enraged. He is a terrible human being and you should never speak to him again (for at least a few months). Then, you may begrudgingly admit that he's allowed to breathe oxygen in the same state as you, and exchange meaningless Christmas cards.
And, it is your new years resolution to listen to and take the advice of spill the beans!!!!!!!!
Maybe you should just stop seeing him. It seems like it's twisting the knife at this point. He is already acting like it's over; maybe it should just be over. Cut it at the point where you can still enjoy the last everything.
Or maybe you should just confront him on it. #2 was weird the last time he was home, and instead of analyzing it and making myself crazy, I said, "You are being weird. What's going on?" At least then I had answers.
Either way, good luck, sweetie. Glad your blog is back.
I have been trying to decide if I was going to post any comments on this subject. I have decided that I really don't give a rats ass what any of you think. The only opinion that matters to me is Bs. She has been a huge part of my life for more than a year, she is my best friend and I hope we will continue to be the best of friends. I am doing what I feel I need to do to get through one of the most difficult times in my life. That is all I have to say. Keep supporting her the best way all of you can, and if that means that you feel the need to turn her against me, then so be it. I will deal with the conciquences of my actions.
George
George - Thanks for posting a response. As always, as with everyone else, you are welcome to post anything you want.
However, maybe you should ask me what my opinion is...what I think. That has never been much of an issue, and I don't know that you have any idea, or if you even care at this point. If you're willing to live with the consequences of your actions, maybe you should know what those consequenses are. I'm just sayin...a little conversation can go a long way.
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