I can't stop crying. Literally. When I stand back and look at myself it is really quite interesting. I didn't know it was possible to wake up crying. I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke myself up crying in the middle of the night. Finally I decided I couldn't sleep anymore and just got up. Even coffee doesn't help, and for me that is saying something. I simply can't stop crying.
I've lived through enough to know the truth that time will make it better. Time is passing so slowly. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Right now I'm just crying.
He said he didn't understand. After three hours I realized he never will understand. I gave up the fight. I will likely never see him again, and that kills me. Knowing that...and knowing that he is ok with that is...well...I simply can't describe it.
So now I have to figure out what to do. I have to figure out what to say. I have to figure out how to feel. I have to figure out how to get through this without building a wall so high that I won't be able to knock it down again.
As I sat in front of my computer at 4am I re-read through the past year of blog entries. I found this one. Basically, with George I took a leap of faith. I let my guard down. I let him in to places that I had kept guarded and private. I trusted that he was not going to cheat on me. We maintained a monogamous relationship for over a year. I trusted that he wasn't going to lie to me. Even to the point of pain, he has always been brutally honest. I trusted that he was never going to physically or emotionally use me as a punching bag. He never showed signs of lashing out at me in anger, even when I pushed him to the brink. I trusted that he wasn't going to choose a chemical romance over me. He is not an addict.
I guess that means he proved that theory wrong. All men are not cheaters, liers, abusers, addicts or a combination of the four. Not all men are assholes in that way. Some of them just love you, and leave you broken hearted.
It is unrealistic, at this point, in my current emotional state, to make any blanket statements about the future. It is unrealistic to say that I will find someone else, or that I will never love again. But I think it is a perfectly realistic prediction to say that it will be a very long time, if ever, before I let my guard down again. It will be a very long time before I'm ready have someone find me again. It will be even longer before I'm ready to go looking.
I have the ability to be content in my singleness. I enjoy my independence. I have worked very hard in my life to get to the stage where I don't need to be dependant on a man. Now I just need to work on being content without George, enjoying time without George, and getting to the stage where I'm not dependant on George. He's not just a man...he's just the only man who could have broken me like this.
About Me
- bslawg
- I ramble, and knit, and run, and bitch, and ramble. But occasionally there is something funny or interesting.
13 comments:
Where are you? Are you still at George's? If so, get out. It's only going to make things worse.
And, it's okay to cry. Cry all you want. It's how the brain processes the hurt.
I left George's last night. I'm out. It's ok.
I hope it's ok to cry...not that I have much choice.
I have nothing to say to this. It makes me blindingly angry at George.
Yeah, I've been angry at George for awhile now....he is an asshole, there is no doubt about it.
B, I'm glad you are out and okay. Are you somewhere where someone can comfort you?
lordy, lordy... i hate your pain. but i admire the fact that it's not entirely necessary for you to vilify george in this. and that you can realize that sometimes, unfortunately, love isn't enough.
i'm totally guilty of using hate as a means to get over someone, said alot of mean, hateful things about them that weren't necessarily true. not even remotely close. fact of the matter is we tried, it didn't or couldn't work for whatever reason and they realized it before i was ready to.
good luck. and yes. of course it's okay to cry.
PBW - Me too.
SBS - Thanks for all the worry. It's time I found comfort in myself for a while. That, and I'm not very good company right now.
Sean - Thanks. Once again you got me thinking thoughts worthy of a post in and of themselves. I've known people who have the ability to shut off their emotions, or change their emotions, or stop loving, or whatever with the blink of an eye. It's all a copeing mechanism I think. I love him. I can't hate him. Maybe someday I'll hate him. But I don't know how to shift gears that quick. Maybe my transmission is broken.
take good care of yourself :)
I don't want to be where you are.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I think you have realistic expectations about your recovery. It will take a while. You are a strong woman; you'll be fine.
How are you doing today???????
Eh
You are in my thoughts.....email me if you want to talk. Do you still have my address?
SBS...I do, I will. I'm still being a snail. Thanks so much. It means a lot.
If the crying lasts more than a few days, go see your doctor. I'm not advocating long-term antidepressants, but he can give you something that will take the edge off and help you stop crying.
It helps. I've totally been there.
When the chef and I broke up, I cried for days and days and days, and I was so utterly miserable I couldn't believe it. I wasn't even that sad after my divorce.
Cry as much as you need to. You will be through crying when you are through crying. For me, I just got sick of hurting so much, so I numbed it until there was enough time to be able to stand the gap where he wasn't.
I am extremely happy we got back together, but after two months apart, I can honestly say that I would have been okay even if we hadn't. It took me about a couple of weeks to really feel better at all, and after a month, I felt ALOT better.
Time really does help. Just be patient with yourself, lawgirl. Let yourself mourn. Write it out. Get angry. Figure out what you want. Use this time to get clearer in your head about what you are willing to settle for, and what you aren't.
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