So. I've never outright asked for opinions. I've never ever, nor will I ever, dissuaded opinions. I appreciate and respect your opinions. All of them. And to show how much, I am now asking for them.
All my faithful friends - and I call you friends more than readers because you are - are full aware of the situation. I've left town for a new job. George is being called to serve our country. Since August/Septemberish we've admitted feelings, and acknowledged the status of our relationship. We're in love. We're dating. Or at least we were until I left. He does not want to do the long distance relationship thing. He's told me he is not going to be monogamous. You've followed the story. What's your opinion?
Should we stay friends? If we stay friends, how should that relationship play out? Should we talk, and if we talk what should we talk about? Should we e-mail and call...or just send the occasional Christmas card? Should we visit? Should it be strictly platonic? Or if we visit should there be the option for...well...yeah.
Should we just call it good? Should we both just walk away and let fate take over? If it's meant to be let it be kind of thing? Should we take active steps not to talk to each other? Should we take active steps to seek out other people to fill the void? Should we try to forget it ever happened?
Should we keep going? Should we attempt a long distance thing with certain understandings? Should there be no compromise for understandings? Should we take it day by day and see where things go?
Are there other options?
What are the reasonable expectations from both parties in the current situation? What would you consider appropriate conduct? Is it realistic to attempt a long distance relationship at all? Is it realistic to cut off contact completely? Is it realistic to pretend we can go back to being buddies? How is that transition supposed to be made?
Y'all are very bright, educated, honest people. I respect your opinions. So? What is your opinion? Come on now, I seriously want to know.
About Me
- bslawg
- I ramble, and knit, and run, and bitch, and ramble. But occasionally there is something funny or interesting.
10 comments:
A friend of mine once said, "If you are having to ask the questions, then I think you know the answers." At the time it didn't make much sense. I just thought, "Well, hell, if I knew the answers then I wouldn't be asking the damn questions" But, eventually I figured out that she meant that if the question was even there...if it had to be raised to begin with...then it isn't the relationship you want or need. When that happens, you will know it...for sure with all of your heart....without any doubt....without any reason for opinions.
I've been reading your blog for a few months now. Your posts remind me of most of my past relationships. One day (after I finally stopped my cycle of going after guys that were not good for me), I was watching Oprah and this guy comes on and does a show about his book (disclaimer: this guy's a bit of a tool who now has his own show ... disregard that ... he hit the nail on the head with the book that launched him). The title of the book says it all: "He's Just Not That Into You." When I watched that show I just sobbed. It hit me like a freight train: all those guys who told me they loved me, but then cheated, or forgot my BD and then told me I was needy for wanting it remembered, or who didn't want to spend too much time with me and wanted space or said I was ridiculous for getting jealous of exes who clearly wanted more for him ... they just weren't that into me. They said they loved me because part of them probably did, but it was mostly waiting for someone better to come around. It was the most brutal thing I've ever heard a guy say when he said all these things. Woman after woman stood up and asked him, "But what about this..." and then would go on to describe a situation to which the answer was always, "He's just not that into you." If he were, you'd be worth giving the long distance thing a go.
I do not pretend to know you or to know George just because I've read your blog for a few months. And I would never, ever post something on someone's blog to be hurtful. I'm not a comment troll. But when I saw that show, I wished that someone would have had the guts to say it to me straight out - to pull the band aid off quickly.
Don't try the friends thing with someone you are in love with, don't settle. You're worth more than that. I don't have to know you to know that. Even if you flat out reject this advice as some crazy loon, please know it was only meant to help, not to hurt. Good luck.
Wow. Just wow. Anon is brillant.
SBS...I had a friend tell me that one too...
Anon...I ASKED for the opinions. It's not hurtful. I'm not offended. You're not a troll. Don't worry. You make an awesome point, but you sound so appologetic.
Anyone else? Come on...I really want to know.
I think ending the relationship - whether it be friendship or whatever - would be very hurtful to the both of you. Remain friends. When his stint in the military plays out then revisit the questions that were left up in the air.
I think it was horrible timing on both of your parts to admit your feelings for each other - I'm thinking several months or last year, was the time to do it, not right before leaving for the military.
Are you running away from what might have been? I think you already know the answer to that question. You've already been hurt and running doesn't ease the pain of what's happened.
Eventually, this pain will pass as well, though I'm not sure about the love. I can't see into George's mind. Perhaps in his saying that he might see other people he wants to give you a chance to heal.
Perhaps he thinks that he isn't good enough for you.
I don't know. I don't know him. You do. But getting him to admit something like this...well, that's like me becoming a 5'6" blonde girl.
Anyway...I hope I haven't said anyting too hurtful for you. Just remember the path to true love is never a straight and narrow path. It hurts when you stumble and the rose that you picked has thorns.
i guess my questions revolve around what the future is for george and where you're going. ( i don't need to know specifics, just kinda a in general question). you've mentioned that he's going overseas. is that definate and what does that mean? iraq or afghanistan or germany/korea/italy. or is he just preparing for the worst? lots of people have survived the seperation required for training and met back up on the other side and continued their training. they have to want to though. others use that seperation as an excuse to run wild. if he isn't 100% positive he's going overseas after the fact i would think it'd still be possible for you guys to pick up at some point if both of you want to. it might require you moving to be with him wherever he's stationed. but i think a long term, long distance thing might be prolonging the agony.
i think friendship is possible, but i think distance and healing has to come first.
I think it is difficult to transition back to friendship after falling in love with someone.
If you do plan to remain friends, I recommend the following reading for both you and George:
The friend Zone
The friend zone, Part Deux
Personally, I couldn't jump straight from feeling as deeply as you clearly to back to a non-exclusive or friendship relationship. I'm just not wired that way. It appears that George wants to have his cake and eat it too, without regard to the impact of that on you. He wants you to be there the same way you always have as his emotional safety blankie, but he wants to fuck other girls.
Is that enough for you? And if not, why the hell would you be willing to settle for less than what you want?
And, I agree with Sean. It may be possible for your relationship to go back to being a friendship, but it will indeed take time and distance for you to heal.
He is not helping that process by thinking that you can make that transition as easily as he apparently can. Like anonymous said, I think the reason he has been able to do so is that he really doesn't feel as deeply for you as you feel for him.
If he did, he would not want to date anyone else, regardless of distance or time.
These are hard questions. No matter what answer you choose, you won't get a part of what you want. Every single one of them is settling for something that isn't what you want.
Since my situation is similar to your relationship, I'll answer how I would for myself.
When you have a relationship like yours, where friendship develops into something more, where casual sex builds into love, I don't know that you can break the friendship. This isn't a normal relationship. This started as just a friendship with benefits.
However, being in love changes everything. You might not be able to remain friends without that always being a factor. I don't know that I could stay friends with my fuck buddy. It would depend how it ended.
For you, I would definitely say stay in touch. You ended because of external circumstances, not because one of you moved on or wanted someone else. However, you can't allow yourself unrealistic expectations. Know that you both may be involved with other people. Know that maybe you will never be what you were again. Be honest with each other, but set limits. Make it clear that it will rip your heart out to hear of other women.
Basically, set the expectations and continue slowly. You can always cut it if need be later, but you may not always be able to put it back together.
I hope that helped! It sounded like babbling to me :)
Thanks all. I really do appreciate it. I needed the feedback, the alternative viewpoints and the general words of wisdom.
Posts to come.
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