Well, I'm on my way back. Christmas is over, and I'm on my way back for New Years. I'm hoping to be there Friday morning, if the weather cooperates. Thankfully I don't have to drive through Denver.
We finished the "conversation" the other night. Basically what it comes down to, at least what I think it comes down to, is this. The reality of life is that we can't be together. Since we can't be together he is not going to live a monkish lifestyle. He's not going to call me his girlfriend while he's overseas.
It's honest. You can't fault him for that. I don't know how I feel about it. It hurts. It hurts bad. But it's honest. There won't be any surprises. There won't be any shock over the girlfriend in Guam. But it hurts.
The thing is, quite frankly, I really don't care if he fucks around while we're apart. I really don't. I just don't want him to find anyone else. He's an honest guy. And while we've been together he's been monogamous. I know that if we ever ended up together again he would be monogamous again. So, if in the meantime, he needs to do what he needs to do, so be it. I just don't want to get the surprise wedding invitation in the mail. You know what I mean?
But at the same time, it hurts. It hurts that he's already thinking about that. It hurts that he knows he's going to do that. It's truthful, but it hurts.
OH YEAH, and remember the married ex-girlfriend? Um...yeah. Evidently it bothers him that I get a little jealous when she pops back into the picture. Even when she pops back into the picture the week after I leave. Even when she pops back into the picture and they talk on the phone. Even when she pops back into the picture and she suddenly declares herself single. Um...yeah. Evidently my little pangs of jealousy bother him. Pfft.
So, that's the skinny on how it's all gone down. Christmas was fairly uneventful. Sad even. But I'm on the road again, and I'll be kissin the man I love for New Years.
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7 comments:
This just makes me angry. I'm sorry, but it does. He's having his cake and eating it too, as the saying goes. And, that just pisses me off for you. And, I think I'm a little pissed at you too for letting him do it to you. I mean I still love and adore you and all for you are my blogging twin and Chickapea's one and only virtual aunt. But, yeah.....a little angry.
Totally understandable SBS. I've battled the same anger. Trust me, I've thought through this. I'll write more on this later and it will be clearer. These are the crazy things we do for love.
That, and in all reality, after this weekend I may never see him again.
"thankfully you don't have to drive through denver"? bah. i didn't want to buy you lunch on your travels any damned way. i'm focusing on that part because the other parts suck and i don't have supportive stuff to say.
Thanks Sean. I'll be through Denver at some point in the next year or so...I'm always through Denver at least once a year. Just not a very good week to be there. Then again...if you LIVE there, it's an awesome week to be there.
Well then, I will support you. Cause that is what friends do....even virtual friends. But, just know I don't like it...not even a little bit.
I think I have to agree with SBS. It makes me angry. A little too angry. Perhaps I should take Loki's advice and let it go.
It's a bullshit situation. I can say that because I understand it. I live it in a different point. The lack of accepted definitions leave all these gaps where you can be honest about this kind of stuff and it hurts, but it's not supposed to because you're not supposed to be together. It's a complete emotional contradiction. You feel, but you can't feel. You want, but you can't have. It sucks, and I'm sorry. But at least you will have New Year's.
And yes, Colorado is fucking buried in snow.
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