Response Manifesto

I've been pondering my next blogworthy thought for a couple of days. Thankfully Johnny Depp took the pressure off of me yesterday.

First...a comment on comments and responses. The other day, Paperback Writer posed a very interesting question. Whether she is the only person who responds to all of her comments. Which made me feel guilty for not responding to all of my comments. The problem is, I'm so wordy that a comment response won't do, thus I just create a new blog entry. Trust me when I say, I read you all regularly, even if I don't comment. I don't comment because I don't have anything intelligent to say. If I don't respond to the comments you have left, please don't take it personally. I read those too. I love comments. The other thing I should point out, I'm terrible with correspondence. I'm the world's worst at sending thank you notes, actually returning phone calls, writing people back, or anything remotely related to that genre of communication. Responding to comments is lumped into that genre. So with that said...BPI...don't be mad, I'm just lazy.

Second...on Mr. Stonecold. After Monday's post and corresponding responses (that sounds redundant, but it's not), I was floored. I hadn't thought about it in the same way as everyone who commented. I got called out on the shit that I needed to be called out on. As I said before, thanks. I was upset as the comments kept rolling in. I was chatting online with Mr. Stonecold (as we have a tendency to do when we're not together), and I had him read the comments and asked him if I was over reacting. Of course I was...but there is more.

He said he felt like an asshole. Which opened up a whole dialog that neither one of us really wanted to have at that point. I haven't lied in any of my blogs, they are simply my emotional purging of an emotional situation. I haven't hidden the truth, only transmitted the truth as viewed by me.

After two excrutiating hours online, here is what I learned in a nutshell. He never wanted to hurt me. It is killing him that he has hurt me in any way. He cares deeply about my feelings. I am his confidant, his best friend, and his partner, and he's as torn up about leaving me as I am about leaving him. We were not supposed to become emotionally involved, fall in love or get hurt. And he is not going to make any declarations of feelings before he leaves because that is only going to make leaving that much harder. Those are his words, not mine.

Third...in my defense. I recognize I have given him control over areas that are going to leave me scarred and in pain for a very long time. That is part of love. I don't know if I will ever be given the opportunity to love my best friend like this again in my life. I don't know that I would take it if given. But, I know that it was an exercise I needed to go through. I needed to see that love has to go both ways. I needed to see that I can't just have sex and not be emotionally involved. I needed to see that I could love, and lose, and deal with the pain and not crumble. I learned a lot with him. And there is no one else I would rather have learned it with.

And I've come to realize that I rely on the sounding board of my readers. I need the comments of those who have followed the story to keep me level. I appreciate all you have to say, even when I don't really want to hear it. So as one general response to all the comments...thanks. Love you all.