Footnote Expanded

Yesterday's post was a little saccharine. Yeah. But I warned you all.

My blog has always (well since January) been my catharsis. I go here to purge the unreasonable girly feelings I don't particularly (a) enjoy or (b) express. Until pghguy came along no one even read it. Stonecold didn't know it existed for a couple of months, and after he found it the first time he was so emotionally scarred he said he would never read it again. Well, we all know how far that goes. Now, to the best of my knowledge, he reads the blog regularly. Hi sweetie. Now quit reading.

Not you, him.

Last night, after I posted, he read the blog. We were chatting online, as we do, and he pops up and says the dinner thing is part of a conference and it was my idea to get dressed up. Without actually denying that it's a date, he said it's not a date. And then he said that the invitation to the birthday thing came because his friend hadn't seen me in a while and wanted to see me too. I, in my defensiveness, shut down. I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He did finally concede that "we" were invited. And the the subject was dropped.

Whatever. This is the same old bullshit which starts the bullshit that leads to the bullshit that I'm sick of bullshitting. He does one thing, and then says another, and when confronted on it plays it off like it's all in my head. I'm not crazy. I'm not stupid. I know what I see, I know what it means, and I know how to interpret the actions. I just don't know why he plays twit in the end.

He is dreamy (except for the currently yellow hair). He is wonderful. He is amazing. He is thoughtful and intelligent and respectful and inciteful and caring and compassionate and truly unique. But there is a switch that gets thrown when this topic comes up. And he turns into a twit. And I don't like him very much then.

The reason I don't like him very much then is because it comes down to two options. Either he's playing games with me and he's the biggest asshole I've ever met, or he's just plain stupid and doesn't see what he's doing. I've tried to believe he's stupid, but he's not. He is very analytical. He plans out each action with decided clarity. He thinks through each angle of an issue before taking any affirmative step. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Thus, here are the facts as stated in the light most favorable to the non-moving party: We are friends. I am his best friend. He is my best friend. We have been in a monogamous sexual relationship for about a year. I have emotions involved. He is aware of the emotions involved. He cares about my feelings. We talk every day. We see each other almost every day. We have designed dream houses together. I have met his whole family. I have hung out with his whole family, including his kids. He has never admitted we are dating. He has conceded reluctantly that we are "seeing" each other. He has never asked me out on a "date". He has never given me flowers. He has never given me a card. He has never acknowledged a holiday with a present. He has continuously stated that he does not date. He has, on numerous occasions, stated that he does not have romantic feelings for me. He does not hold my hand in public.

It's obvious. I know. Time to move on.