Stonecold and I have had a record number of knock down drag outs over the past couple of weeks. We're both getting tired of them. At least I am. And if I'm getting tired of arguing I know he's at his wit's end. I just don't know what else to do.
I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm upset. I'm angry. I'm irrational. Then again, so is he.
The thing is, despite all of the knock down drag outs, we've been spending a record amount of time together. We see each other almost every day. On the days we don't see each other we chat for hours online. But regardless of whether we're together, or chatting online, there's a big pink elephant in the room.
Up to this point we've been able to downplay the discrepancy in our feelings. He doesn't love me, and he never will. I'm emotionally attached. Which is fine, as long as all we're doing is hanging out, cuddling on the couch, crying on each other's shoulder about how sucky life is, laughing about funny things that happened throughout the day, playing with the kids, visiting his sister, watching TV, playing video games, or having sex. But when we start talking about "now what", or "next month", or "I'm leaving" things get bad. Because we both have to face the reality of our emotions.
He has none. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he has some emotions. Just not the same emotions I have. I have been able to deny and ignore the feelings I have for him because it didn't matter. I couldn't bring it up. I didn't have to bring it up. And I knew if I did bring it up he'd be gone. But now that he's going to be gone anyway, and with all the "L" word discussions in the past couple of weeks, I've had to face my feelings. I've had to look long and hard at the way I really feel about him. And it scares the living shit out of me.
I am terrified. I don't know when the wall fell and the emotions got involved. I don't know when I let my guard down enough to love him. I don't know how I didn't notice it was happening along the way. I don't know how I didn't catch it, or stop it, or make it go away. I don't understand why I didn't walk away six months ago when I had the chance. I don't know what to do to keep it from happening again, and I don't know what to do to make it go away.
I am devastated. I don't know how, after all we have been through together, our feelings are so different. I don't know why I'm not good enough to be loved by him. I don't know what I did to make him decide not to fall for me in the first place. I don't know how to be happy for him when he finds someone good enough for him. I don't know how to help him love a woman who is not me. I don't know how to not care.
I am embarrassed. I don't know how I became this person. I don't know how I allowed myself to become so weak minded. I don't know where my "fuck you" attitude has gone. I don't know how to face him knowing he knows how I feel. I don't know why I let that bother me.
I thought at my age I'd know a lot more. Maybe it's a blond thing.
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9 comments:
You deserve so much better. But you have to know it, hun, inside yourself.
you know, the funny thing about love is that sometimes it works the way you want it to. you fall in love with the person who's perfect for you and healthy for you and life is good. and sometimes it's god's little joke on us and we fall for the hellspawn. or the absolute last person we should. and of course we can't control it and it turns us into complete idiots. we KNOW we shouldn't say or do or think the things we do, but it happens. so don't beat yourself up. just survive the experience.
Thanks Trouble. You're a dear. So much better may be batteries and a G&T for a while.
Sean, you are so right. Trust me, God's laughing at me right now. I'm one big walking jokefest. Maybe I'll get a show on Comedy Central and I can quit my day job and buy a PS3 and sit and play video games all day. Ahhh...a girl can dream.
You are not weak minded. Falling in love with someone does not make you weak or stupid. You are allowed to be an emotional person. And it is not about you not being good enough for him to love you. His lack of feeling does not determine your worth. That's all on him.
I went through a somewhat similar situation when #2 almost died. All the time they weren't sure if he was going to make it, I was there, but we never talked about it. I would cry in my car as I went to pick up food, but we never talked about the fact that he could die or what might happen if he did or how we felt. We pretended it wasn't there. It was just lucky that he made it fine...
You are worthy of love. He should love you, but he doesn't. He is probably very upset and confused about life right now to. You do deserve better than he will ever provide.
Chris - It seems it often takes a tragedy to bring people together. Too bad that's what it took for you and #2.
Anon - The subject is closed. We're not talking about it anymore. I've said all I have to say, and so have you. Don't feed me full of bullshit about "deserving". Life has nothing to do with "deserving", and you know it. Whether you should love me or not, you don't. You won't. You probably can't. But it's a moot point. We've hashed it out time and time again. I'm done hashing.
saw this today and it reminded me of this post.
http://bigwhitehat.com/?p=199
This whole thing just makes me sad for you.
I totally agree with what Chris said....this is not about whether you are good enough for him to love you....this is all about him...not you. He is a cold hearted jerk to pull you in every direction and then have the nerve to say "say that you love me....even though I don't love you and never will" and then be there every time you turn around to remind you of it.
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