Sometimes the cosmos seems to align such that all the people I know are pissy at the same time. I recognize that in life there must be balance. I believe in life there is balance. As good as the good gets is as bad as the bad can be. Which must mean that the good is going to be pretty damn good when it comes.
I haven't blogged about Mr. Stonecold in a while. There really hasn't been much to blog about. He's going through a really tough time right now. He'll pull through it, I know he will, but right now I have no idea how. And boy is he craaaaaaaaaaby.
We still hang out. I know...I can hear the "oh honey don't do that" as I'm typing. But we do. We still have "family time" with the kids. When he thinks I'm not looking he still gives me those looks. When he's not paying attention he'll play with my hair, or pat my leg. Then he realizes what he's doing and stops. He won't do any more. Not right now, and possibly not ever. He doesn't feel like he's worthy of anything more right now. I know that. I'm aware.
Right now I don't have anything else to give either. Life has taken twists and turns that have left me questioning everything I thought I knew. The hopes and dreams that kept me going for so long, no longer hold appeal. In taking stock of life thus far I am frustrated at how little I have managed to actually accomplish. Yet, for the life of me I can't figure out what it is that I want to accomplish, if that makes any sense at all.
But I do know that I am not "girlfriend" material right now. I would be clingy and whiney and needy. That's not what I want to be. I need all of my emotional energy to keep myself going. To make myself get out of bed in the morning and keep moving. I don't have enough emotional energy to spare for a relationship.
That said, it is nice to have someone who understands that sometimes life sucks. It's nice to have someone reach over and hold your hand. Not to tell you that everything is going to be ok, because that outcome isn't known, but to just say "I'm here".
7 comments:
Believe it or not, Stonecold is starting to grow on me...
Anyway, you and I are so similar it is scary.....I get this post completely....been there, doing that sort of thing.
So, I'll be on the other side...holding the other hand...head on shoulder and everthing!!
:)
brilliant post. sums up exactly what i'm going through.
sometimes i wish i had my own Mr Stonecold. as it is, i have my ex believing that he's there for me, but all he actually ever does is tell me everything's going to be okie - which does nothing for me except rile me.
Ah, frustration with time--timeless. I sympathize with the fuck buddy issues, as usual.
I don't really have a comment. Everyone else has summed it up for me.
Your electronic cyber support group is here though.
(((hugs)))!!! I know what you mean! You just worry about taking care of you! I'm glad to hear that you're in an okay place mentally where Mr. Stonecold is concerned. If what you get from him helps you, it's a good thing!
your virtual absense is noticed my friend....what the fuck is going on??
I'll post soon...I'm still alive! Although I had to wear heels this week and my feet are killing me.
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