Locked and Loaded

Well it's Friday. Mr. Stonecold comes home tonight. I'm trying really hard not to obsess about the whole thing. Not really working though. We're going to talk tonight. He doesn't know it yet. I'm still pissed. He doesn't know that either. I've been in a quandary about the whole "other woman" situation all week. He doesn't know about that either. Should be quite the fun ambush. I'm such a bitch.

We've talked almost every day this week. He's called just to ask how the day was. We are hanging out tonight. I'm a glutton for confrontation, and I need to have this one. I know there won't be any closure until I do. In preparation, however, I've decided to do what all girls do when they play dirty. I'm getting pretty. Today is getting pretty day. I'm playing hookie at noon to go "get my hair and nails did". I ran 4 miles this morning. I shaved all the right places. I'll have smell good stuff that will drive him nuts. I will be the pretty pretty princess, even if I'm not his.

Actually, he probably won't notice. We'll sit down for the big confrontation and he will likely say "ok" and that will be it. We will be done. He will walk away without a second thought. I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen, because I'm pretty sure that's all it is to him. He's made sure he has emotionally maintained enough disconnection that he could walk away at any point without any second thoughts. I will not be a second thought to him.

I was talking to Ms. Twinkie the other day, when I realized my big fear. My fear isn't that the relationship will end. I've known that is inevitable from the beginning. Hell, I even knew it was inevitable that it would end because he found someone he actually cares about. My fear is actually that he won't give a shit when it does end. That it will be over and he will just expect me to pick up where we started. That I will be the only one left with the emotional fallout. That the reality that I didn't mean anything will become undeniably clear when he smiles and says "well thanks for the great sex, have a nice life", and never looks back. That's what is going to be most painful.

Still, like with most things in life, it's best to do it like ripping off a band-aid. One big rip and it's all over. Once the screams and blinding pain has passed life can go on as normal. Whatever normal may be.