Thinky Thinky Things

Well *drumroll please* we talked. Kind of. A little. Ms. Twinkie wants to shoot me. I'm such a girl.

Are you still reading? Really? Ok.

We didn't talk on Friday. He was tired. The timing wasn't right. I don't know, really I was just a chicken shit. It just felt good to have him home. We cuddled and watched a really bad movie. The kids told me all about the fish they caught while they were out of town. I bandaged wounds. We had family time. I guess I just didn't want to spoil it. I did tell him that there were about 25 things I was pissed about, but that he was too tired to talk about it. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.

So Saturday morning, online, we had the chat. I know it's kind of the chicken shit way of doing it, but sometimes its just easier to say things online. I don't have to look in his eyes. I don't have to feel the tension in his body as the confrontation starts.

Here's what I learned:
1. He hates the confrontations as much as I do.
2. He says there isn't anyone else. He looks, and there are other women he finds attractive, but we are in a monogamous relationship and touching would be cheating.
3. He doesn't want a relationship because of the drama associated with a relationship. (HA!)
4. He was jealous of Jeff. He felt like I was cheating on him.
5. The ground rules have been re-affirmed, and expanded. We're monogamous. He's not looking to date anyone else. I'm not looking to date anyone else. When one of us decides its time to date someone else we'll tell the other one first.

It made me giggle a little to tell you the truth. For someone who has no emotions he sure had a pretty emotional reaction. He's been holding back on this "cheating" thing for almost two months. I told him about the whole situation within 24 hours of it happening. He knew before I even blogged about it. Jeff knew about him, and what was going on. Everyone was on the same page, and there was no deception. Yet, two months later it's still bothering him? Funny.

FURTHER, he was pissed that I was upset. He was pissed that we seem to have these conversations every two weeks. Well, get over it buddy. The thing is, and I didn't realize this until we were talking, the conversations have less to do with what the relationship is and more to do with what the relationship will be. I need to have status checks every now and then. Yes, we keep having the same conversation over and over. I need to know that the conversation is going to be the same. I need to know if something changes, because he won't tell me until I make him.

If I get too pissed, we can never be friends again. If there are too many resentments and too much anger the friendship will not survive. Right now, we could salvage it. I think the reason it could be salvaged is because we have these knock down drag outs every month or so.

Sounds good, don't it? It's true. Really it is.

But I'm also terrified. I'm terrified the conversation will change one way or another. I'm terrified of anything but status quo. I still have walls up. Not a lot, but enough to protect against the inevitable pain. I'm terrified that one of these days one of the walls will get knocked down and I won't notice. I'm terrified that one of these days I'm going to be in a situation where I care too much to just walk away. The knock down drag outs help me keep things in check. Walls still up, check. Emotions in check, check. He doesn't love me, check. All is right with the world, carry on.

That said, I know he lied to me. I know he had/has another woman, or that I'm the other woman once again. I know there was/is more to it than the disinterested statements he made about there being other people he finds attractive. So I know the conversation isn't over. I won't confront him directly, he has to tell me on his own. If he doesn't tell me on his own that still doesn't change what I know. So, more battles to come, whether he likes them or not.

But for now it appears that we are at a place where the friendship can still be saved. That's important to me. There is nothing else to save anyway.

Confused yet? Me too.