Well, he's gone. It's utterly convenient when he leaves town right when I get good and ready to castrate him. In all reality it probably saved me jail time. Since I've never been in jail that's a good thing.
It's a sick sick situation. I know it is. When I take the time to remove myself from the situation I all but want to kick my own ass. What the hell? I'm smart, attractive, funny, professional, independent, and loving. Why the fuck am I hanging around him? What the hell do I think I'm going to get out of the situation?
The thing is, it's not so much what I'm going to get out of the situation, as what I currently get out of the situation. He's my protector. I know that. I don't mean that in the cave man neo-feminist form of the word, I mean it emotionally. I know what kind of hurt to expect from him. He's honest about that. He is Mr. Stonecold after all. I know he will never have feelings for me, but he will likely have feelings for someone else. I've known that for almost a year now.
See, it's like it was with Mr. Jackass. As long as I'm with Mr. Stonecold I don't risk finding anything real. There is no risk involved. There is no risk of forever, so I don't even get my hopes up with that. There is no risk of loosing myself to him. There is no risk of being left shattered. Hurt, yes. Destroyed, no.
He's the lesser of evils. He's honest about the fact that I don't matter and I never will. We have fantastic sex. He's never broken a date. He's loyal. He keeps confidences. If I had sex with my dog I wouldn't need him...but I refuse to go there. (Let's see if THAT pops up on blogger search)
I'm truly disappointed with myself for allowing emotions to get involved. They did. They are. The problem is I've never been good at keeping emotions out of the loop. I am good, however, at directing my emotions in less dangerous areas. He's going to hurt me. He has hurt me. He will likely continue to hurt me in one way or another. But he's better than the alternative. I could have really fallen in love with someone who said he loved me back. That would have been worse. I'm not willing to go there again.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. There will not be any more sex if it's not monogamous. That I know for sure. Our friendship is going to have to go through some adjustments if that happens. It is going to hurt like hell when he finally comes clean (and he will) about having another woman. Because I know he has feelings for her that he doesn't have for me. It's not so much that he has feelings for her that hurts. It's that he has told me time and time again that he is incapable of those feelings. I've known he's not incapable, he just doesn't feel them with me. That ego kick is a painful ego kick.
But, as with all that has come before, I'll get over it. I always do. I'll find another fucker to replace the other fucker, shit damn fucker damn fucker damn damn.
10 comments:
I don't think it matters if he's sleeping around or not. Stop sleeping with him! You know what it does to you. He's very good at the whole lying by omission thing.
I don't care if he's great in bed either. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results every time.
You are one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilage of kmowing. Your gorgeous, smart, funny, fantastic, and wonderful. You don't need him. I promise. There are other fuck head fucker heads out there to fuck if that's what your worried about.
You and Mr.Stonecold can still save a friendship if you stop it right now. In a few more months, I don't believe that you two will be able to go back to that. You both care about eachother a lot. You're right, it's a no risk relationship. But I don't believe that that's what you want anymore. I think it took this "friendship" for you to figure that out. I think you want a risk relationship. I don't know that you're willing to admit that yet, but that's ok. I still love you.
pfft
Ah, I have been where you are. When things were not good with my fuck buddy, I used to oscilate between knowing completely that I needed to get the hell out but always falling right back in and starting the cycle over. It is a hard routine to break. Even damaging things are comfortable and safe when they are familiar. I even did end it a couple times (and clearly ended up back).
I could always tell when he had another girl too. I never saw them; he never said it, but I could just feel it in how he acted. And yes, it hurts. Even if you don't care, it hurts. It brings pangs of inadequacy.
I'm not going to tell you to end or not. Only you can make that final decision. However, I can tell you that one of the times I did end it because I was so pissed, we tried to stay friends. The sex never went away. The casual sex was always there, and it eventually happened again.
You'll figure it out eventually. More than anything, this is identifying what you want and deciding if the lesser of evils is even worth it. Good luck!
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I say end it. Make a clean break. If he balks - which he probably will - remind him that can't have it both ways. Your feelings are getting mangled in this relationship.
But that's just my outside the situation opinion.
And for pete's sake! I think you're a wonderful person. Don't sell yourself short.
Girl, I've been there/done that too. Muster up your self respect and use the ten fingers God gave you or get a vibrator (Big Moe) and be done with the jerk.
I've been dropping by your blog for awhile now and reading and it's amazing how much your life sounded like mine a few 5 or so years ago. Girl, you know you deserve so much better. Like you said...you have your life together, attractive, smart...etc. I know you want to protect yourself and your heart, but you just can't imagine how it feels when you find someone that puts YOU first and puts YOUR feelings ahead of theirs. By staying in this situation you aren't allowing yourself that opportunity. You know that, right?
Sure, you risk hurt, but you also miss out on some good stuff too. Like your heart feeling safe with someone that actually cares about you.
Why do us women allow men to treat us this way? I'm not preaching to you - I did it too until I got a belly full of their shit. Then I made my poor husband pay for all their mistakes. Luckily for me, he saw through my pain and protective defenses. We are going on two years of a very happy and fulfulling marriage now.
I never looked back to that man I called my fuck buddy. I actually had times when I thought I had to have him. Here's the thing: he wasn't willing to put my feelings first. I still talk to him today and we have mutual friends. He tells me that I'm his one and only regret. Sucks to be him. And for the record: I don't regret dumping his stupid lame ass.
C'mon Law Girl...let a good man have a chance to show you what real love is. Especially before you get cold-hearted and too skeptical that they exist at all. They are out there, believe me. Every minute you spend with this jerk is an opportunity lost for someone the chance to treat you like you deserve to be treated.
thank heavens for vibrators.
Personally, while I think it's easy for US to believe that you deserve better, the crux of the matter is that you have to. You have to believe that not only do you want the fairy tale (whatever your personal fairy tale is), you DESERVE IT.
And girl, you so do.
p.s. A few months after cutting lose my own Mr. Stonecold, I met the chef. But first, I had to figure out exactly what I was looking for so I'd recognize him when I found him.
We both knew it, on the first date.
Word, Trouble Word.
All - there seems to be a unanimous consensus.
The head has registered the vote. The heart is still counting the dangling chads.
I'm such a twit.
You are not a twit. Far from it. You are a real woman with real feelings that count for something. Don't discount yourself for the situation and don't beat yourself up for it too long. It's not wrong for us to hope for more, but when it doesn't happen you know when to cut your losses and move on. I won't lie to you - it does hurt like hell when you realize it's over. But, this too shall pass and you will be better for it. Chalk it up as a learning experience and require more of your next relationship.
Double word on what Skeptic said. You're not a twit.
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