Thanks Sean. I was on a bit of a ramble yesterday, and didn't really re-read the post before I posted it. I must admit, it still makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.
I guess every now and then you just have to make an ass out of yourself...right? That would be me. One great big giant ass.
On a up note, I do get to leave the state for a while this week. Maybe I'll try to figure out how to leave the country. Change my name to Namenamajub. Become a taxi driver in Botswana. Dye my hair black. Get plastic surgery. I don't know.
Maybe I'll just curl up in the corner in the fetal position and continue sucking my thumb in mortification.
I spent about two hours on the phone last night with a really good friend I haven't talked to in a long time. I feel better now. I don't know why I'm an emotional basket case over Mr. Stonecold right now. Maybe because we haven't had a knock down drag out in a while. I don't know.
What I do know is that as much as I joke about being jaded and bitter, I'm learning that I really am. As much as I whine about not believing in happily ever after when I'm depressed, I really don't. As much as I complain that all men are assholes, I truly honestly believe that.
It's kind of like when abused kids come out of abusive homes, and don't realize that beatings aren't normal. I'm learning that women have had emotional relationships with men who didn't treat them like shit and then bail. There are, evidently, men out there who have the capacity to get attached and *gasp* care. I still believe all these men are either married or gay, but according to my recent research, other women have met these men throughout their lives.
Which poses the obvious question. What is it about me that (a) makes me attracted to the assholes, and (b) lets them know they can treat me like that? I believe the answers to these questions must become clear before I can begin looking again. So where do I find the answers? Google? I tried...this is what I found. I wonder if there are yearly dues.
6 comments:
whoa... that was not me making fun of you... that was me empathizing. honest!
NOOOO! I didn't thik you were making fun of me...I figured you were being sympathetic.
It just made me re-read the post and realize how horrible it really was.
okay. whew. here i was thinking you were calling me a super-huge jerk.
My former therapist once told me that when we believe something, our mind will seek out ways of proving itself right. She told me this in exactly your situation, when we were talking about why I was attracted to assholes and let them treat me like shit. Basically, she said that I expected both, hence my mind found ways to make both true. It's an unfavorable idea that shifts the blame to you, but I suppose it worked because once I was done with therapy, I stopped letting them treat me like shit.
Good luck! :)
Honey, you ramble all you want. There are a lot of assholes out there. I cling to the belief that there may be at one man out there who will love me. But to find him I have to keep sifting through the jerks. I wouldn't mind the haystack so much if I knew for sure that there was a needle at the bottom.
Sean - I would never call you a super-huge jerk. I much prefer fuck head fucker head. But you have yet to earn that title. ;-)
Chris - I think you are absolutly right. I agree completely. I just haven't figured out if I'm willing to be celebate long enough to do that!
Osquer - Once again, beautiful words. I don't know how you do it. It would be a lot easier if I knew there was a needle at the bottom of the haystack. It would also be a lot easier if I knew I was digging in the right haystack!
Post a Comment