Limbo

Isn't this an amazing picture? This is exactly how I feel right now. Something is about to happen. I don't know what it is. Have you ever had the feeling of impending "something" and then when it happens you go "hey, that's what that was"? That's what's going on right now.

I'm at a cross roads with work. I've about decided I'm not cut out for solo practice. It's not that I can't do it, I just don't see myself doing this until I'm 60. I hate my clients. I hate the business end of running the practice. I hate the drudgery and not knowing that comes with being self employed. I need more structure. I need someone to tell me I need to be in the office or I won't come in till 10am every day. I need people. I've always known that.

I may not stay in the practice of law. I love the law. I love being a lawyer. I hate other lawyers. I hate the bull-shit games they play. I hate the crap the clients pull. I may go bus tables for a while.

I may move. I've passed the bar here, but I don't need to stay here if I'm not going to practice. I could move closer to my family. I could move someplace warmer. I could move someplace higher in the mountains. I could move someplace with more people. I could move someplace with fewer people. I have itchy feet. I feel the need to move.

I've finally cut off Mr. Jackass. Hopefully it works this time. We'll see. I miss him. I miss someone loving me like that. I don't miss him. I don't miss his crap.

Mr. Stonecold is what it is. In all likelihood it could go on exactly as it is for another 50 years, or until death do us part. But we're not dating. All in all, at this stage in my life, I'm ok with this. I'm not looking for Mr. Right. If I were, I would keep moving. It's not that Mr. Stonecold couldn't be Mr. Right, it's just that he doesn't want to be. Since he doesn't want to be Mr. Right, and I don't want to find Mr. Right, it's a perfect relationship for now. On the down side, I'd really like someone to tell me I'm beautiful and wonderful and terrific. Mr. Stonecold doesn't do that.

My family is going through a major transition right now. In a few months all will be completely different than it is right now.

Something is getting ready to break. In all likelihood I'll be changing jobs soon. Something will be happening with Mr. Stonecold soon. Something will pop up with Mr. Jackass again soon. Something is going to happen with my family that will send me into an emotional tail spin.

Right now I'm enjoying the calm before the storm. I'm just floating along with no purpose. Not quite all there. In the middle of the process of materializing and dematerializing. I'm in transition. I just don't know where I'm going.