Hello 2007

I read SBS's post this morning on her New Years resolutions. I've had people asking me what my resolutions are for the new year. I, like many others, have long since abandoned the concept of reinventing my life on January 1. I find that I am completely incapable of sticking to a formulated theory. In other words...I'm lazy. Usually I make "resolutions" for my birthday. It is my own personal benchmark. But this year I think a resolution may be in order.

The other thing that had me thinking was this post. A beautiful post written about boundaries. I often struggle with boundaries myself. My mother was much the same. She still is. I find myself adjusting my own actions and expectations to fit the actions and expectations of those around me. I do this in hope that I will be accepted. I do this in hope that I will be loved.

It has been a year filled with growth. Sometimes painful growth. Sometimes glorious wonderful growth. But growth nonetheless. I have learned many things about myself, about my capacity as a human being, about my own expectations, about the expectations I set for the world. Most of the preconceptions I entered with in 2006 have been shattered. I have met some wonderful people in ways I would have never expected. I have done some outrageous things, I would have never dreamed possible. All in all, it has been an eventful year.

And now, in setting up the new year, I must establish the realm of reason for which I will continue my growth. To accept one day at a time, and be content. To recognize the unrealistic expectations I set for myself based on the actions of others. To act for the betterment of others, without losing the essence of me. To draw boundaries and stick with them. To not build unnecessary walls as a shelter from pain and discomfort. To live honestly and compassionately with those around me. To truly live each day. This is my realm of reason.

I have thoughts swirling inside my head today on the shift of my life. Worries about what tomorrow brings. Stress regarding things that I can control, and stress regarding things that I can't. I still need to buy a house. I still need to study for the bar. I still need to finish the conversation with George. I still need to clean my car, do my laundry, get my hair done, send off thank-you notes for Christmas, take a shower, go running, make a dentist appointment before I leave town again, do the change of address stuff, get tax stuff in order, blah blah blah. I am a whirlwind of emotion.

Yet, I find the center of the storm revolving around George. He is both the calm and the epicenter. The majority of my thoughts revolve around him. The majority of my thoughts branch out from him. The shift in our relationship, in all reality, does not affect the rest of my life. But it affects me.

We talked a little on Friday. He, once again, stated his position. He will not be celibate. He will not do a long distance relationship. He has mentally closed the door on me. He has relegated me to a room in his head where he can lock it away and forget about it. I don't have control over that. The only control I have is what I do.

I don't know if he is doing it because I didn't mean that much in the first place. Or if I was simply a piece of ass that got out of hand. Or if he really loves me and can't deal with the pain. Or if he is pulling away because that's the only way he knows how to deal with it. Or if this is his way of trying to protect me. I don't know what it means. But I know what it is.

So the story continues. Happy 2007.