Out

The anticipation is finally over. Last night was it. I'm packing up my computer as soon as I finish this post, and then I'm on my way out of town. After months of planning, it's finally here. I didn't sleep last night. I don't want to go.

You know when you're falling, and even though you know there isn't anything there to hold on to, you flail your arms in search of something to catch you before you hit the ground? Or when you're watching a movie and it just simply ends wrong? That's how it feels right now. I'm almost panicky about leaving town. Leaving George just seems so wrong.

Last night he gathered all our friends for an impromptu going away party. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I got an angry text from one of my friends and he let the cat out of the bag. Having moved around as much as I have, I really hate the goodbyes. I cry every time. So, I've kind of just gotten into the habit of telling everyone I'm leaving and then slipping out of town. I've never had a going away party before. It was nice.

But we left the party early. We went back home and cuddled. I held on to him for dear life, like if I held on strong enough I could take him with me. I cried like a baby. He let me. He walked me to the car, I was still crying. I told him I love him. He told me he loves me. He kissed me, and then whispered "go". I wailed like the Taliban all the way home.

I haven't stopped crying yet. I miss him. I don't know what is going to happen with us next. I don't know when I'll see him again. I don't know if I'll see him again. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that.

He was supposed to just be a fuck buddy. It was supposed to be just sex, no emotions, no attachments, no expectations. Now he's the love of my life. He's taught me that it's ok to live in the moment. He's taught me that I can love and be loved. He's taught me to be patient, and to trust. I am grateful. I never thought I'd ever find anyone like him. I'm thankful for the time we had. And maybe it's just a coping mechanism, but I am hopeful for something in the future. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know where. But if you're lucky you find something like this once in your life. I'm not giving up that easy.

When he did the suspension in October there was a professional photographer who took some amazing pictures. One of the pictures is of George with all six hooks in his back. The angle is straight on at his back, close up, centered on his sholder blades. I bought the picture for him for Christmas. He doesn't have any place to put it right now. He likely won't have any place to put it for a while. So, I think it's going to live with me until he's ready for it. It makes me smile.

So, until I see him again, I've got his back. And he's going to have to come back to get it.