Well, we had the beginnings of the "conversation". I guess I should first say...George don't read this. Trust me, you're not going to want to read this.
Evidently I've been wrong the whole time. Evidently I've known from the beginning that this wasn't permanent and that this was just a toss in the hay that got out of hand. Evidently I've known that as soon as I left we ceased being in a monogamous dating relationship. Evidently I've known that we were over as soon as I walked out the door. Evidently I've known that he will not be celibate. Evidently I've known that he does not do the long distance thing. Evidently I knew a lot of things I didn't know I knew.
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. And I'll say it again for good measure, Bullshit.
He wants to be "closest of friends" who "talk all the time". But he will not, in no uncertain terms, be celibate. Which, in my mind, loosely translates to "I haven't been celibate and I don't want to feel guilty for it." He says he doesn't do long distance relationships. That's his excuse.
What I can't figure out is what the hell he expects from me. I'm supposed to just chat with him on the phone every now and then and pretend everything is fine? "Hi, how was your day?" "Fine, yours?" "Fine" "Well, then...bye". Yeah. He wants to keep me around for THAT? Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
So at what point, when there is something that you believe is worth fighting for, do you stop fighting? At what point do you stop making compromises? At what point do you stand up and demand the same respect that you give?
I never expected anything out of him. I never expected anything from him. Maybe that's where I want wrong. Maybe that was my critical mistake. But looking back on it, he never budged once for me. He never compromised for me. He never met me half way.
I know I've said it before. But I only know how to love one way. I love wholly. I love unconditionally. I love completely. There is no half assed in love. I love him. I don't think he loves me the same way. Evidently that is something I should have known.
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6 comments:
Damn it, George is being a Christmas asshole.
Ok, now that is said, I love your questions. I don't know the answers, but I think even if I did, they would be my answers and not yours and these are questions where the answers are as personal as the questions.
But, this has become a matter of self respect. How much are you will to demean yourself for a friendship with a man you love? Love makes it so much harder.....
Virtual hand holding and hugs coming your way!
Damn men.....
Thanks dear...and Merry Christmas!!!
Ah, I have the same problem. While I don't have any stated expectations there are plenty of unstated ones. We all want the things we give (unconditional love). We don't always get it. SBS has some great advice. I hope you find within yourself what you need.
I think the issue is that you have a right to have expectations. I think you don't demand anything from people, bs, because you don't think you're entitled to.
And...the fact of the matter is that you are entitled to demand a few things:
You are entitled to figure out what YOU really want.
You are entitled to say that you aren't going to settle for less than what you really want.
You are entitled to keep your self respect and walk away if you are going to end up compromising in ways that make you unhappy.
You are entitled to keep looking until you find what you're looking for.
I think it's out there.
My feeling is that you can't get what you really want if you don't know what that is, or feel entitled to it.
So, rather than focusing on what George won't give you, think about focusing on what you need, what you want, and what you aren't willing to settle for. Then your choices become much clearer and less emotional.
p.s. I've felt he is an asshole for a while now.
STB - (Aka the big T) I know you have. And I know you're right. You're oh so right, you're always right. Oh how I have missed your words of wisdom.
Keep tuning in. Strange things are afoot and the Circle K.
Unfortunate. Unfortunate and bad timing. I can't imagine how much it hurt to have him say that, to know all the things it meant. I know it would kill me in my situation. I'm sorry that it turned out this way. But maybe this makes things more clear for the future. Maybe you have some answers too, even if they aren't the ones you wanted.
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