I'm livin a bit of a vagabond lifestyle right now. It is an experience I thought I had left behind me in my 20s. Some things are just too deeply ingrained I guess. I've spent about 2 nights in my house since the movers cleared everything out. It's just too...hollow I guess.
Tomorrow I head out of town again for a couple of days. When I get back the clock starts ticking down the hours I have left in this place. As much as I have planned for this, as much as I have mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for this...I'm not ready.
I realised today that I have about 4 hours left with George. I was hoping he would come with me tomorrow, but that didn't happen. After all this time, we have about four hours left. I have about four hours to have him hold me. I have about four hours to look at him. I have about four hours to feel his hand. There won't be time to arrange more alone time, but hopefully we'll get to spend it quietly. Then again, I don't know that it matters.
Where we are going takes us to places where the likelyhood of ever seeing each other again is slim. I know that. Still...I refuse to admit that reality to myself. I refuse to admit that the most amazing thing I have ever found is just over. I cannot accept that the rightness of what we are together can just end. Yet I know it is, and I know it will.
I really wanted him to go with me tomorrow. I really wanted him to travel that path with me. I wanted him to hold my hand and tell me that it was not as bad as I thought it was. I wanted him to be there for me when I went through my emotional wrecking ball. But, I know that even if he was there tomorrow he wouldn't be there after. The path that I have to travel I will have to travel without him. I might as well start tomorrow. It doesn't really matter.
So there may be some radio silence again for a while. I'll be back, I always am.
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6 comments:
Good luck, hon. Savor those last hours. Relish them; enjoy them. You can travel this path alone. You are strong. Would it be better if he was with you? Yes. But him being gone does not guarantee it will be horrible. Take your time. We'll still be here.
wow. tomorrow sounds big. sorry, i was going to tag you to check you for a pulse and to distract you from upcoming events a bit, but i think you've got other stuff to worry about. good luck! wish there was more i could say/do to help you through stuff.
Chris - Thanks dear, you always have such great words of wisdome.
Sean - You DID tag me! It's my first official tag. I'm actually kind of excited. I'll do it when I get home.
This makes me very sad. As someone looking in from the outside, I can only see what is presented to me. So, in my eternal optomist (sp?) way I believe that things will turn out for you. But that's just me.
I hope all is going well today...since I think it is the tomorrow you wrote about....I know you will be OK. I have faith. But, like Chirs said.....we'll be here if you need us.
:)
The silence is killing me, my friend....hope you are doing okay. Email if you need a shoulder or anything.
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