Argh

Argh. Yup. Argh. And not like the sexy pirate argh. More like the Charlie Brown argh. Which is technically more like an ugh, but that reminds me of the ugly boots, so again I say argh.

I am feeling pissy. I know I'm feeling pissy. I know why I'm feeling pissy. I've been on the road for a week. I still don't have a place to call "home". I'm staying in my brother's house with the rest of my entire family for the holidays. After the New Year I have to start studying for the bar again, find a house, start my new job, and unpack. I haven't gotten any decent knitting done in over a week. All I want to do is go for a nice long run in the rain, but I have no idea where my shoes are. I think I may go barefoot. Again, I say, argh.

And to top it all off, just when you thought the story of George and Law Girl had come to an end...it has but started a new chapter. Maybe it's best described as a new book. Same themes. Same characters. Different setting. Have I mentioned I'm feeling pissy? I'm irritated with him, but I don't know if I'm really irritated with HIM, or just irritated.

I'm having pangs. That's right, pangs. Pangs of jealousy, pangs of insecurity, pangs of fear, pangs of frustration, pangs of longing, pangs of apathy...pangs. We chatted a lot online yesterday. We didn't leave the house much, and he was snowed in. It was nice to be able to chat with him randomly throughout the day. But he seemed frustrated. He seemed irritated. He seemed like he didn't really want to be talking to me, or that he really didn't have anything to say. Which is understandable. I suppose.

I think, after processing time, that it comes down to the same basic problem I always have. A lack of definition. We are at a totally undefinable place right now. But at the same time, I don't even know the parameters. There are three basic conversations that we had over the last three months that keep going through my head:

End of October: He said he didn't want to do the long distance thing. The long distance thing would be too difficult. That he cared for me deeply, and that he wanted to keep me in his life as a friend, but that the long distance thing was not an option.

End of November: He said he wanted to keep me as a part of his life. He wanted to talk to me every day he could, he wanted to chat with me online, he wanted to be able to see me when circumstances allowed. But that he didn't want to make any promises he couldn't keep.

Mid December: As I was leaving, he said he didn't have any answers to what was going to happen, but that we would figure it out along the way. And that he loves me.

He tells me he misses me. I don't doubt he loves me. I don't doubt he misses me either. But the parameters that I relied on for so long have suddenly shifted. We no longer have a physical relationship to rely on. That's ok. I can live with that. To me it is so much more than a physical relationship. But the question in my mind is what are the boundaries?

He is a big fan of relationships with no expectations. I understand that. And despite my best hopes and wishes, I really don't have any expectations for the future, but I would like to know what my expectations should be for current conduct. Are we still dating? Are we doing the long distance thing? Is he free to go about and sew his wild oats? When we meet up again will there still be the safety net of knowing that it's monogamous?

I know he has enough on his plate right now that he isn't thinking about this stuff. He's focusing on one day at a time, getting through what he has to get through. At the same time, I also know that the social norms of dating change when the relationship becomes long distance. So, at some point I'm sure we'll have to have the conversation. The conversation terrifies me. So once again, I say, argh.