Time Warp

Randomly, a couple of weeks ago, I rediscovered Ani Difranco. I was on a big Ani kick sometime in the early to mid 90's. It was an interesting phase of my life, in general. I was rebelling against what society told me I should be as a wife and a mother and a woman in general. I had dreadlocks. I had dyed my hair red for the first time. In an attempt to discover the true feminine power within I became a little militaristic in my feminist ways. I indited the patriarchy and the dichotomy of the capitalistic middle class society. I wore boots. I stopped shaving my legs.

Eventually, like boiling a frog, conformity snuck in. The dreadlocks got cut. The legs got shaved. I stopped spelling women with a 'y'. The Ani CD's floated to the bottom of the pile along with the Clash and Bob Marley.

But a couple of weeks ago the goldfish song crept into my head and I needed to hear it again.

"Goldfish have no memories,

I guess their lives are much like mine.

And the little plastic castle

Is a surprise every time.

And it's hard to say if they're happy,

but they don't seem much to mind."

For the next two days I drove around singing at the top of my lungs. Reliving the memories of rebellion and discovery. Wishing I was a goldfish.

Then I found one of the CD's I hadn't liked as much at the time. I don't know why I didn't like it as much, it's a little darker. A little more angry. A little more beat down than I wanted to feel at that stage in my life I suppose. Now I have found new understanding and self discovery through the music, that I didn't have the experience to understand at the time. My brain woke me up this morning with these lyrics:

"I said if you don't come any closer

I don't mind if you stay.

My thighs have been involved in many accidents,

and I can't get insured

and I don't need to be lured by you.

My cunt is built

like a wound that won't heal.

Now you don't have to ask

cuz you know how I feel."

It's raw. It's rough. But in the word's ability to show both vulnerability and strength it is beautiful.

I don't know why my subconscious decided that this needed to be my wake up song today. I know this is how I am feeling. The raw, wounded part of me is lashing out in self defensiveness right now. But, as with all good Ani songs, it's also got a rhythm that just simply makes my butt want to wiggle.

So, the day is off to a good start. I have about a million things to do and I can't sit here and ponder words and life and history and song any longer. But I will be singing "Both Hands" while I'm in the shower this morning. I will be humming "Imperfectly" while I'm working. And if I turn the music up loud enough, I sound JUST LIKE Ani.