I just got home from camping. Ok, so it was about the wussiest camping trip I've ever been on, but between the martian death flu refusing to leave my body, and the fact that it's fricken cold outside, I don't feel bad about cutting it short.
Occasionally I go on sabbatical. I throw the sleeping bag in the back of the truck, pick up some beef jerky and some caned fruit, and head out to the hills. Ok...so not really "hills" but you know what I mean. With everything going on right now I just needed some silence. It didn't happen the way that I wanted, but it was a good trip nonetheless.
I don't really have anything else to say about that. I still need some silence. I still need to sit in the middle of nowhere and sleep when it's dark and wake when it's light. I need to be able to silence my mind to the sound of the wind. At this stage of the game I'm probably going to have to wait till spring.
I've wrapped up the semester. My kids all passed. Ok...there are a couple who are right on the boarder, but I think they'll pull it together next semester. I've got all my work wrapped up. The house is packed...pretty much. My work here is done.
I am starting to look forward to the next great adventure. I've realized, in the past few months, that I no longer define myself by my profession. I no longer define myself in terms of my relationship with other people. I have begun to define myself for who I am. I think that is part of why I have been feeling so lost and ungrounded. It has been a long time since I have had to define myself based on me alone. And it's taken me a while to figure out who I am, and to be comfortable with that. It is so much easier to fall into the role of daughter, sister, girlfriend, lawyer, teacher, mentor, friend. Before you realise it you have lost your own definition.
So who am I? I am me. I am an ever changing composite of everything I have ever done. I am a mosaic of the people who have touched my life and who have left their mark. I am an empty vessel waiting to be filled with experience. I am scarred. I am ugly. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am unlovable. I am a conundrum wrapped in a riddle. I am me. And it is time for me to be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
amen. it'll be interesting to see how "me" now differs from your me's before. let us know how the journey goes...
Sean, believe me...I'll drag y'all along as long as you're willing to be dragged.
That self-description was beautiful and articulate. I think in the end, we realize that our roles are merely shells for who we are. And I also think that once you become comfortable in this new definition, you will feel more solid and confident than before. I'm glad you took the time to start to reset your mind.
And yes, drag away! :)
fantastic post, b. I can't wait to read about the journey, either.
Thanks Chris. I'm hoping its like a new pair of shoes...it just takes a little time to break it in.
SBS...are you home? Did you leave? I thought you were a million miles away...I'm almost afraid to ask!
Chris! That is so well put! "Our roles are merely shells for who we are." Wow! I never looked at it that way before!
Sorry. I was just having an epiphany.
Law Girl, I've never seen your face (or your body for that matter), but I think you're beautiful! You rock, now just go ahead and BE you. Don't worry about why you are who you are for a while. Just be.
BTW, love the Henry James quote.
Post a Comment