"Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this."
"Then don't do that."
We all have strange reactions to pain. I have a friend to actually giggles through pain. I know people who scream and cry and lash out in violence at pain. I know people who become defensive, I know people who become offensive. Human reaction to pain is not uniform.
My reaction is to run. If it hurts, don't do it. If it hurts get away from it. If it hurts pull away. And the easiest way to pretend it doesn't hurt is to pretend it never happened in the first place. Unfounded, delusional, denial is not the healthiest of all emotions. I'll be the first person to admit. However, it works. It's either that or a bottle of gin. And I really don't want to go there.
I tried to run this week. On Monday I took affirmative measures to begin the disappearing process. To allow myself the ability to pretend George never happened and was simply a figment of my imagination. It hurts. It hurts to have him leave. It hurts to watch him make the preparations without giving me a second thought. I recognize that I should not really be a second thought, but at the same time there is a very selfish part of me that wants to know that he hurts too.
He's mad at me. He's hurt and angry and scared that I'm going to just disappear. I can understand his perspective. I understand the feeling of abandonment. I understand the feeling of being completely helpless to change a situation that causes more pain than you knew you were capable of feeling. Welcome to the club.
We both want reassurances. He wants the reassurance that I will be his friend when he goes. I want the reassurance that (a) he loved me in the first place and it wasn't just a bunch of bullshit he handed me to keep me from walking away a month ago and (b) that what we have is something special.
These are reassurances that neither one of us can give at this point.
So, once again, we are at an impasse. In practice what each of us wants is not that different. However, emotionally they are worlds apart. I have been relegated to the world of "just friends" for over a year. I finally broke free of that label. We are more than just friends. I don't want to go back to a "just". It hurts to go back to a "just". I don't ever want to be his "just" again.
But I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to get married tomorrow. I sure as hell don't want him to propose before he goes. I don't want to move to Afghanistan and be a military wife. I guess what I really want is affirmation and hope. Affirmation that we really are something. Affirmation that I mean something to him. Affirmation that I am not just a footnote in the history of his life. Hope that someday, if circumstances permit, that we could play an important role in each other's lives. Hope that what I've come to believe in is true.
He wants just a friend.
So I think he broke up with me today. I don't know. I can't tell. I don't know much of anything anymore.
3 comments:
Oh, honey. That is so hard. I feel what you are saying about affirmatiion. You may not want anything to happen, but you need to know something did. You need validation so you can process it in your mind instead of driving yourself crazy with doubt. It is not that much to ask, but it can be so much to give. I think all of the impasses you both find yourselves add come from each of your desperate avoidance of vulnerability. I know it well; I am the same. And it pushing it away so furiously, you end up vulnerable and hurting anyways. It's a vicious catch-22. But I hope you can ultimately give each other what you need; I hope this chapter can end on a note that doesn't rip your heart out again.
I got so angry reading your post, B. I understand why you need affirmation and I just don't understand why he can't give it to you. Souldn't he already know how much his leaving is hurting you? Wouldn't giving you a little something save some of the hurt? I don't know. I'm not going to say anything else lest I insert my entire leg into my mouth.
I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. Know that you are in my thoughts.
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