Tonight I knit. Tonight I tie series of knots to allow my mind time to unknot the knots it is in. Tonight I process the "then", the "now", and the "next".
He needed to say it. I think he felt better once he did. But I think saying it allowed him to begin emotionally blocking. Either that, or now I make him nervous. I don't know. We still haven't had a conversation about it. And the lack of conversation is driving me nuts.
Things, as they do, are starting to unravel. And these aren't things I can stitch back together. The military is messing with him. I know that's what the military does, but it's really pissing me off. This is why I was a bad military wife. I get so frustrated by the fuck fuck dance they make you do, and there's no choice but to try to find the beat and follow along.
So, tonight I knit. Because then there is a pattern. Then there is order. Then there is sense. Then I know what the finished product will be. That...and Christmas is coming and I have two sweaters to finish.
9 comments:
What a wonderful way to process it all....but may I suggest just living it instead of trying so hard to understand it.....
Amen to SBS. Amen
SBS, you are so totally right. The thing is, all the stuff happened on the blog, then he said it on Friday, and we haven't talked about it since. We haven't talked about anything really since Friday. It's very odd. And it's driving me crazy. We always talk. About everything. Last night we just looked at each other and couldn't come up with a damn thing to say.
Ugh.
so tonight i was driving home and listening to an interview with roseanne cash. they were talking about writing popular music. the interviewer was talking about the contraints of writing popular music and did that make things more difficult for her as a song writer. she said no, it actually made things much easier. usually when she was writing about something deeply emotional her thoughts were all over the place, so the structure of the genre helped her organize her thoughts and provided structure to her turmoiled life.
I was in the military up here in Canada for 5 years, and I can attest to the madness of the hurry-up-and-wait-fest that comes with it. It totally plays balls with your whole existance.
Oh! So that's why I knit!
It may be possible he's afraid that speaking his heart will change things between you. As far as keeping each other company, you seemed to have a pretty good thing. I don't know how you can help him relax about it. (ahem.) Are you behaving differently around him? You can knit away your nervousness. What can he do to organize his thoughts? Hmmm. Maybe you should teach him to knit.
Sean - That's so true...even my blog has been scattered lately, as evidence of my inability to oragnize my thoughts.
Mike - It sucks don't it.
Osquer - You are now the onw officially responsible for the coffee spittle on my moniter this morning. I swear, I have to stop reading blogs in the morning. And I have tried to teach him how to knit. He looks at the needles like they're possessed. He's too "manly".
I think perhaps he may be trying to process it all himself. Be patient. Keep knitting.
So, you don't talk. You kiss. You make love. You hold one another. All in the knowledge that you love one another......It's beautiful. Enjoy it. Bask in it. Find strength in it.
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