Saturday was effectively our last night together. He moves out of his apartment on Tuesday. He goes to tell his kids on Friday. When he comes back he will be shut down. He will still be here for a bit, but he will not be able to be the man he has grown to be.
I understand why. I understand the process. But I also understand that as of Saturday night I am back to the corner of his world where he can handle me. He can't handle a relationship. That's what we've become. He can't handle a woman breaking down into tears every 15 minutes. That's what I've become. He needs me to be strong. He needs me to support him. He needs me to understand. And I do.
So, it's time to let go. Part of letting go is letting go of what was and looking to what is. Part of letting go is allowing him the ability to shut down the way he needs to. Part of letting go is recognizing that the sun will still rise tomorrow and I will have to face the day without him.
I miss him already. I miss my best friend. I miss my lover. I miss the one person who understood my inconsistencies. I miss the man who very well may have been my soulmate. I miss the future we could have had. I miss the nights that might have been. I miss that he isn't the one who will be holding my hand when I am old and gray. I miss that I won't get to see his kids grow up and become the men I know their father will see that they will be. I miss the holidays we won't have together. I miss the mornings we won't share breakfast together. I miss that I won't be the one to celebrate his victories and accomplishments. I miss that I won't be the one to hold him and catch his tears. I miss that its over, even though neither one of us wants it to be.
But with all endings there is a new beginning. This, therefore, is it. My move date is approaching as well. It is time for me to figure out what's next. Time to decide what I want to be when I grow up. Time to find that comfortable place of solitude again. With that comes it's own bundle of emotions. I feel like I'm lost. I feel like a kid playing dress up, who accidentally ended up in the office. I feel like I don't know where to start. It will come in time, I know. But for now I feel like a shell. Empty, alone, and drifting.
3 comments:
wow. i'm glad you guys got to the "relationship" part, but sorry you only got to be there for such a short time. please keep writing. i think it helps you and we want to know how you're doing. we care about you. in the weird, warped new age of the internet, it is totally possible to do that for someone you've never met.
How heartbreaking. This is all just so sad. I wish that I had the perfect words or some sound advice. But, I don't. I don't really think that there are any words. But, like Sean said we do care abuot you. And, we need to know that you are alright. So, where ever you drift, please bring us along....
I feel terrible for you. I also feel terrible for his kids.
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