Poof

Isn't he adorable. Ok...so I recognize that I'm a little biased, but seriously folks, he's adorable. There are three things I have to say. Not because I really expect a response, because they are schmoopy doopy and kind of annoying, and because I don't want to risk forgetting them.

First. On Thursday night, about 3:00 am I was doing what most normal people were doing at that time...sleeping. I was snuggled down in my blankets, trying to stay warm, content in the middle of a dream. I rarely dream. I'm sure I dream more than I think I dream, but I rarely remember my dreams. And the dreams I remember almost never mean anything. But, I was dreaming that George (FKA Stonecold) and I were driving down the road. The car stopped. He looked at me. He smiled. He said "I love you". The shock in the dream was enough to wake me up for real. I looked at the clock. It was 3:10 am. That's when he commented the comment that shook my world.

Second. He has now told me directly twice. Three times if you count the "I love you, but only because you're my best friend" that came months ago. Four times if you count through the blog. I don't count those two though. The first time he told me for real, on Friday night, I cried like a fool. I couldn't help it. In my defense I was already crying at the time. It just made me cry harder. But when he told me it was like an electric shock went through my whole body. From my toes to my fingers, tingles upon tingles. I just thought I was tired. But when he told me again last night, the same thing happened. That's never happened to me. Ever. It's weird. It's cool, but it's weird. It's kind of like when you stick your finger in an electrical socket, but it didn't hurt. I wonder if that will ever go away.

Right now it's so fragile. I want him to say it over and over and over. I want to text him throughout the day and tell him. I want to shout it out my front door. But it's fragile. I'm scared I'm going to do something to break it. I'm scared I'm going to do something to make it go away. I'm scared he's going to change his mind. I'm scared I'm going to break the most precious gift I've ever gotten.

Third. Now comes the hard part. The "what next". The "now what". And this is a thought that has been plaguing me since I realized I really loved him. I'm not trying to over romantacize the situation. He's not perfect. He has done some things that have been majorly assholish at best. He will likely continue to do assholeish things in the future. But I love him. And I don't say that easily, nor have I ever been as sure of anything in my life.

That said, I know how the story plays out from here. I know what happens when he leaves. I know that despite all the words and good intentions, the distance is all but insurmountable. I don't know what he's thinking about this. I don't know that he is thinking about this.

I made my mind up when I found out he was leaving, that we would continue on as if everything were normal until the day he left. But that once he left he would be gone. Period. Poof. Our numbers will change. Our e-mails will change. And with nothing more interesting than office gossip to talk about, the blog will likely disappear. With the virtual disappearance, so will I. Is this the cowards way out? I don't know. It's kind of like ripping of a band-aid. You have to do it all in one rip or it hurts more.

It's also to protect him. The only way the whole situation is bearable is knowing that what he is doing is going to make him happy. I don't want him living with the "what if's". I don't want him living with the regret of what he left behind. I want him to be able to move forward, and find the happiness that has eluded him for so long. Maybe now that he has learned he can break down his walls and survive he will find that. But as much as I want him to be happy. As much as I need him to be happy, I'm not strong enough to watch that happen without me. Maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know. I truly want him to find it, I just can't handle knowing about it when it happens.

With that mental debate raging in my head, he's very unhappy with my decision. I know he is very unhappy with my decision. I understand why he is very unhappy with my decision. He told me the other night that I thought I knew what was going to happen. He told me that he understood that I had been through this before and that I thought I knew the outcome. But that I had never been through it with him, and therefore I don't know shit. This is a very good point. By all estimations we should not be where we are today. We should not be friends, much less more. We should have stopped talking to each other and gone on about our lives months ago. But we are here. Despite all the odds. Maybe the odds are in our favor. Maybe, just maybe...we...could...

Someone once said that the only thing more dangerous than fear is hope. I understand.