So, in keeping with my inability to go with the flow and tendency to overanalyze EVERYTHING, I'm in a bit of a quandary.
Shocking, I know.
One of the things about George that convinced me I could never - ever in a million years - date him, at least in the beginning, was an ongoing conversation we've had regarding the roles of women in society.
In short, he's a patriarchal bastard. Now, I say this from the point of view of a raging feminist. Yeah, I know. I told you the odds have been against us from the beginning. Generally, here is his point of view:
Men should be the head of the household. Women belong in the home taking care of the children and their husband. (Excuse me, I have to vomit a little, I'll be back. Ok, I feel better now.) Furthermore, the woman should do all the cooking and cleaning and caring for the children because that's her "job". The man should go to work and bring home the paycheck. He should also be the one to control all the finances, because he's the man. (Insert grunt here). After paying all the bills he will then divide what is left over so that both he and the woman can have equal spending money. (Um...hang on...nevermind, I thought I was going to hurl again.) Finally, in all matters relating to the family, the man should have the final deciding vote. The couple should discuss matters, he should take her opinion under advisement, but ultimately he is the final decision maker. (My gag reflex is seriously earning a gold medal here folks)
Now, we can all jump on him about how totally wrong he is. About how this is now the 21st century. About how women and men are equals and should be regarded in the relationship as such. About how it's unhealthy for any relationship for there to be an imbalance of power in any area, much less every area. About how, aside from ordering a bride over the internet, this is simply not a possibility in modern day society. But, between Ms. Twinkie and I we've already had this debate with him about a thousand times. I think now he just does it because he knows it makes me feel like singing slave songs and picking cotton.
ANYWAY, that's not really the point, that's just background.
Yesterday Ms. Twinkie, George and I were having lunch. And the "I'm a man hear me roar, go get me a beer bitch" debate started again. Except this time, as the debate heated up the words changed a little. Instead of the debate being about "the man" and "the woman", or "the husband" and "the wife", the debate phrasing changed to "I" and "you" and "we" and "our" and"us". Uh hua. That's what I said. Yup. All in all it was kind of fun. We laughed and picked on each other and ripped on each other and generally had Ms. Twinkie looking at us like we were nuts.
AND THEN
Last night we were chatting online. I finally asked him how long he was going to avoid "discussion". I know I probably shouldn't push it, but that's just how I am. I need to talk everything out. I need to have everything out in the open. I need to know what's going on in his head! OH...and not only THAT, but he hasn't said "it" again since Saturday. So, now I'm a little confused. Is he having second thoughts? Is he doubting? Is he thinking he shouldn't have said "it"? Was there too much external pressure? Did he really mean it? SEE? This damn man has turned me into a fucking girl!
Anyway, I digress. So, I asked him how long he was going to avoid "discussion". He answered with "Until everything is solidified". Meaning his ship date, the final paperwork, etc. We're still doing the military fuck fuck dance by the way. If you don't like today's plan, wait till tomorrow because it will change.
So, I asked him why. His response was that things could go a couple of different ways depending on how things worked out.
Um. Uhhhhh. Ok. And I'm not supposed to overanalyze THAT? Yeah, whatever.
Don't get me wrong, I love the man. I really do. He's wonderful, and terrific, and amazing, and knows just what to say to make my mind whir into overtime. That's one of the things I love about him. But damn boy! What does that MEAN?
Men. Pfft.
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PFFT!! And, PFFT one more time just for good measure....
That is some bullshit. I'm not even going to comment on the male dominant view because I cannot do it in a nice way. But this is a repeated pattern. This is how things are going to keep going. Perhaps you have to just accept that you are not going to get explanation or talks so that you don't turn so girl and drive yourself crazy every time.
Okay, you're a girl, but that's to be expected. After all...you're a girl. Don't worry about what your feelings say about you. You have every right to feel them, girly or not.
I grew up in a home that was strutured in a way that there were discussions about everything, but, when it came down to a final decision, my Dad made it. That is not to say that my Mom didn't have her opinion, and that her opinion didn't count, it just means that someone had to make the final decision. And just so everyone knows, the decision that was made was always in the best intrest of the families needs. And furthermore, most of the decisions were what my Mom wanted in the first place. So, with that said, I still believe that part of a mans job and resposability are to be the leader in his home in every way. If a man wants to be King of his castle, then he must make a woman the Queen.
I grew up in a home that was strutured in a way that there were discussions about everything, but, when it came down to a final decision, my Dad made it. That is not to say that my Mom didn't have her opinion, and that her opinion didn't count, it just means that someone had to make the final decision. And just so everyone knows, the decision that was made was always in the best intrest of the families needs. And furthermore, most of the decisions were what my Mom wanted in the first place. So, with that said, I still believe that part of a mans job and resposability are to be the leader in his home in every way. If a man wants to be King of his castle, then he must make a woman the Queen.
So what does a single woman do, Anon? Let her father rule her decisions all her life? If I followed your advice I would be in a women's shelter somewhere because I couldn't manage my own life! At what point does the woman give up control? At going steady? At living with a guy? At marriage? Some men are not capable of that responsibility. What do their women do? Just let the ineptitude of the man they love ruin their family and their life? Some women are smarter than their man. Some men are smarter than their woman. Both sides need to work together. Neither is superior. Or do we just let the men think they're making the decisions like I do with my boss?
Boy honey, you really opened a can of worms now.
Like I said all...we've had this debate for YEARS, and no offense, but I'm a pretty good debater.
That said, despite his fundamental beliefs, this has not blead into our relationship. Possibly because he still has a difficult time admiting it is a relationship. Possibly because we don't live together. I don't know.
But, we make decisions on what we are going to do together. We talk about the different decisions we need to make individually in our lives, together. He has never once "told" me to do anything (ok...so he has...but that's part of the edited portions and we're not going to go there). When we go out, sometimes I pay, and sometimes he pays. When we pick movies, sometimes I pick and sometimes he picks, and sometimes we decide on something together.
He's also increadibly supportive of my job, my career, and me doing what I love.
So, if we hadn't had this debate about a million times, I wouldn't know he was so patriarical. I guess it's part of the full disclosure. Then again, I'm starting to wonder if his fundamental belief breaks down somewhere in practice.
OK, I feel the need to claify my opinion. I do believe the all the decisions of a household should be discussed by the adults. If the decision is a major one that involves the children, and they are old enough to, they should also be involved. Here is where my thinking differs from Lawgirls. I believe that if the adults of the household disagree on that decision, one person has to have the final say on such decision. I also believe that as the man of the household, and I am a man, that I should do what I think is best for my family. Now with that said, if the woman of the household is the "man", then she should have the final say in such cases. I was brought up to believe that part of being a man was to take care of his family and make the decisions that were best for his household. It has nothing to do with making money. In my particular case, if I were a stay at home Dad, I think I would still be the one to have the final say in major decisions, unless I felt that my partner was better qualified as the decision maker.
So, all other things being equal, G., you still feel that the man is superior in decision making capability by virtue of merely being male. I just can't go along with that. I will agree to disagree.
In my parents household, my mom was the breadwinner and my dad the househusband. But both of my parents made the major decisions with my mom acquesing for most of them - she was a doctor for pete's sake working 12 hour days - she was tired or didn't care to debate with my father.
In my household, we're both equal breadwinners. However, I think I make most of the major decisions with a lot of consultation from Loki. He's happy to let me make the decisions and if he wants to discuss it, then we discuss it.
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