I remember now, that I go through a stage. I don't know if I'm unique in this stage, or if it is some kind of mental defect. When I've accepted that I have feelings. When I've let my walls down enough to care. When I have finally relented to the voices in my heads. I get needy.
I need to know that it's ok. I need to know that I'm not making an ass out of myself. I need to know that I'm not being toyed with. The thing is, it's not ok, I am making an ass out of myself and I am being toyed with.
Unconditional love, loving without expecting love in return, being secure in your own emotions is just something I can't do. I'm insecure. I need to know that he cares about me too. But he doesn't. He can't. He won't.
And to prove that he's distancing himself. It's getting weird. We have a hard time talking. We want to be together, but when we are it's odd. I suppose it is natural. We both need to pull away at some point. We're leaving. We will likely never see each other again. We will likely never talk again. We will likely never know how the stories end. And as much as we try to ignore that reality, the closer it gets the harder it is to ignore.
So we've fallen back on what is comfortable. We've fallen back on what we know. And wow...um...yeah. I make a concerted effort to keep the blog at a PG-13 level. Occasionally I'll swear. I've reduced the Amazing talk to "Amazing". But...damn.
Stonecold has a bit of an evil streak. He has a tendency to be a little bit of a control freak. Sometimes I like that. Sometimes it's nice to have someone flip you over and tell you what to do. Right now...I don't know if I like that so much. Actually, right now I'm loving it. It's kind of a love hate thing I guess.
So last night we were Amazing. I...well...sometimes it happens easier for me than it should, if you know what I mean. I'm talented like that. So, he decided I need to learn some self control. Uh hua. Self control. AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH. So he got me all riled up...and stopped. And said I can't finish until he finishes for me. On Tuesday. And there are all sorts of rules that keep me on the edge of my seat in the mean time. Like...but that would break the PG-13 rule.
So as I sit and type, on a Monday afternoon, I'm squirming in my chair. I seriously feel like I'm going to die. I don't know how I'm going to make it. As if I need more of a constant reminder of him. As if I need to think about what he does to me any more than I already do. As if THIS is supposed to help me shove him into the back of my mind.
Damn him. I love it.
About Me
- bslawg
- I ramble, and knit, and run, and bitch, and ramble. But occasionally there is something funny or interesting.
9 comments:
I like a guy who can take control, but I seriously hate the games this guy is playing with your head.
I hate the choices that you're making because of this guy. You told me you wouldn't leave if the tests came back negative. Well they did. And you're still moving. I hate that you put him above everyone, including you, me, Mr. Hotstuff, and above all of us, your...you know who I'm talking about. I don't know who you are anymore. You don't care about anybody but him. Not even yourself. I don't think he's playing any games at this point, but one thing is for sure, you like playing along.
Ok....
I think that this could be fun....
IF....
he wasn't going to leave......
I think he likes making you think about him. He likes what he is doing to you, emotionally. And, that just makes me mad.
Stop playing.....
Do it yourself.....
You know, what really pisses me off is that not only is this guy toying with your emotions, he KNOWS he's doing that, and he simply doesn't care how much it's going to hurt you.
That makes him someone being worthy of being punched right in the face, and I'd be happy to volunteer the chef to do the punching if you'd like. What I can't figure out is why a woman like you: educated, intelligent, articulate, lovely, funny, cool, is allowing a guy with absolutely no ethics whatsoever to do these to your head.
Girl...pull your head out.
One of the greatest things about friends is that they will call you on your shit when your shit needs to be called.
Shit called.
Thanks ladies.
Amen, Trouble.
We care about you B....
Well, the others already beat me to it, so I'll just say, Amen, Trouble, Allegory Character and SBS!
Sure the tantilization is neat, but he's just making sure you will miss him after he's gone. Did you ever think of sinking to his level? See how he likes it if you get him worked up and then go home. Show up on Wednesday and then make him wait until Friday. Make him wait forever in fact. You deserve better! Letting him control you is only delaying that better!
It's the vulnerability that makes us needy. When we risk getting hurt, we worry about getting hurt.
And I agree, take care of yourself. Don't wait for him to finish you.
Word, Trouble, word.
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