The Only Post on The Internet NOT About 9/11 Because I'm Too Self Absorbed

It's Monday morning. I should be working. I have plenty of things to do, but I sit here blogging. Damn blogger and it's time suck capabilities.

I don't find out the results from the tests on Friday until tomorrow. I think I'm going to call the doctor anyway and see if they are in early. I hate doctors. Ugh. All of my research (and YES, I am the research queen) has shown that even worse case scenario, I'll survive. Then again, Steve Erwin died from a sting ray. Who'da thunk.

Stonecold and I had a discussion last night. It was not a knock down drag out. It was a discussion. It was enlightening. It was heartbreaking. I'm still wrapping my brain around it, and you all know I wrap my brain around things here...

First, and foremost what he said.
He is putting himself through a major guilt trip right now for what is going on. He doesn't want me to end up jaded and cold and unwilling to love again.

A while ago I got drunker than drunk should be. We were at the bar, and it was the night he had told me for the first time that he would never love me. I ended up making out with random guy at the bar before Stonecold drove me home. Despite his statements to the contrary, he admitted last night that this bothered him. Depending on how much wiggle room I give him, his story changes on WHY this bothered him. But it bothered him.

His ex, the psycho married bitch from hell, is the last woman he loved. He doesn't now how to knock the walls down he built up to protect himself after she left.

He said he had noticed the signs of me falling for him months ago, and he should have left then. I asked him why he didn't. He said he tried, but when we stopped the Amazing he missed his friend too much. That even when I was there, I wasn't really there. (Which I think I said about him about the same time too.) So, he went back to the Amazing so he could get his friend back. He said if he told me this I was going to get angry. I was angry. I asked him why I should be angry. He said that a statement like that would make a person feel used, abused and objectified. I told him he was either the biggest liar I had ever met in my life, or the biggest asshole. More on that in a bit.

Then, there is what he did. I said in an earlier post that what he does and what he says are often in opposition with each other. Last night was no exception.

Lately the Amazing has been less than Amazing. It's still been good, just not Amazing. We've been off. Last night we were really off. We're both under an extreme amount of stress. I don't know about him, but everytime we're together there is a big neon sign flashing in the room with a count down of the days we have left together. It's hard to be sexy when you know your time is running out for good. But for someone who supposedly has the ability to emotionally disconnect himself from sex, this just doesn't make sense. If there are not supposed to be any emotional strings to sex, then why is the sex suffering because of the emotions going on?

He held me. He held me in a way that no one has ever held me before. He held me like a drowning man lost at sea. He held me like if he let go we would both go under. And when I tried to get up to leave he wouldn't let go. I don't mean just a little resistance, I mean at one point it almost turned into a wrestling match. And I thought he was sleeping.

He cried. He didn't want me to see him cry. He didn't want me to know he was crying. I don't know why. I don't know if it is because he knows how much it is hurting me to have him leave and it's not hurting him and he's sad. I don't know if it is because he's going to miss me. I don't know if it is because he's under stress and he finally broke. I don't know if it is because he wants to care but doesn't know how.

I know him inside and out, as much as he doesn't want to think I do. I know what he is capable of, and what he is not. I know what he wants and what he fears and what he hopes for and what he is to scared to dream about. I know what makes him laugh, and now I know what makes him cry.

And I know that he's not an asshole, but I know he is capable of lying to himself. I know he cares about me more than he is willing to admit to himself. I know that at some point in the future he will rewrite history so that I am not an important factor to him. He will rewrite history so that I am just a blip on the radar screen. Because if he doesn't, the pain and regret will be more than he can handle.

At one point last night, while we were crying and holding each other for dear life, he said he would be happy for every last second we had left. I am too. Regardless of whether he will admit why it hurts him so bad to leave and watch me go. Regardless of the Amazing or lack thereof. I am thankful for him. I am thankful for the lessons he taught me. I am thankful to know I still have the ability to feel this way, and that I had that experience with him.