Love. The emotion which has generated ages worth of poetry and prose. The emotion which is directly responsible for both life and death. Yet, at least in the English language is as difficult to describe as air is to hold.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One, two, three, crunch...three licks to get to the center.
Still with me? No I'm not drunk. I'm rambling, but not drunk. Love is one of those concepts I have been struggling with for the past few days. Hell I've been struggling for years, but most recently for the past few days.
I don't love easily. It comes from not attaching myself easily to many people. Growing up the way I did, I knew the people who were there today would more than likely be gone "tomorrow". I simply don't get attached. Therefore, I don't love often.
Then problem with that is that when I do, it takes me by surprise and it is so powerful I shut down. Let me clarify first. I love CSI. CSI is my favorite show. But if it went off the air I wouldn't cry. I'd be ok. I love chocolate more than I love CSI. I'd cry if I couldn't have chocolate. I'd survive, life would go on, but I would cry.
Now, I love Ms. Twinkie. If something happened to her I'd cry, and I'd feel like a piece of me was missing. I would go into shut down mode for a while. I would be ok in time. But it would be bad.
Here's where it gets weird. Mr. Stonecold. He's my best friend. He's leaving. I'm going to miss him more than CSI. I'd rather lose chocolate. Loosing Ms. Twinkie would be hard, but this is worse. So what does that mean? Which begs the question, is love measured only on the emotion felt upon losing it?
It has to be more than that. But it can't just be the flip in my stomach when I see him. It can't just be the fact that I have dreams about him. It can't just be his eyes make my knees melt. It can't just be that everytime anything funny happens he's the first one I want to tell. It can't just be that every time something horrible happens he's the one I want a hug from. It can't just be the thought that when we're 90 years old we could still be doing the same things we're doing now and I'd be perfectly content.
It can't just be that. Because then I'm just in trouble.
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6 comments:
so uh, what's "shut down" mean in this case?
I think you are in trouble, sweetie.
Just because we love someone doesn't mean that it's going to be a happy ending. But it's still worth loving people, even if it hurts sometimes.
Beautifully said Trouble
Sean - In this case "shut down" means to go into full reality avoidal mode. Usually involving gin and chocolate and my bed for a few days.
sbs - um...yeah.
Trouble - When did you get so wise? You've really been on lately. You may have to start billing me for all the good advice here pretty soon. If you get into any legal trouble, or you need some hand knitted socks we could swap.
Y'all - You are all better than gin and chocolate. Thanks for listening to me rant.
Your thoughts make me question my thoughts...
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