First things first. I don't have cancer. Thank GOD. I don't know what it says about your life when the best news you've gotten in a long time is that you don't have cancer. I guess it means life is going along just fine. My thyroid decided to stop working a while ago. And then it blew up to four times it's normal size. Turns out, it's just lazy (like me). I'm on day two of my new drugs and feel awesome. Phew.
Last night we had a fantastic dinner with the in-law's. HA...that was funny. Not my in-law's, Stonecold's brother-in-law (the chef) made dinner. It once again pointed out how far down the domestic ladder I am. Don't get me wrong, I can boil water...but not the way he does it. We enjoyed a fantastic evening of wine and good food and conversation. Seriously, it was a good time had by me at least.
So here's where it got interesting. About a week ago I notice an odd hit on my sitemeter. Normally I don't spend a lot of time looking at my sitemeter, but I noticed someone locally had been on my blog for a long time. Long enough to read the blog...the whole blog...and nothing but the blog. In an attempt to keep my life private, the only people in the state that know about my blog (that I know that know me) are Stonecold, Ms. Twinkie and me. The strange visitor was not one of the above three.
I was chatting online with Stonecold when I noticed the hit. I mentioned it to him. He denied knowledge. He denied knowledge for the next couple of days. Until he finally 'fessed up and told me that the mysterious visitor was....drumroll...HIS SISTER!!! That's right. Something possessed him to ask her advice on something (I'm still trying to figure out what), which required her reading a couple of blog posts. She read the whole thing. Honestly, I don't know who's more embarrassed by the fact, him or me. Now his baby sister (who is in her mid 20's but still, to him, his baby sister) knows about (a) all the Amazing, (b) all the emotional shit I've managed to figure out along the way and (c) that he has an unequalled ability to be a twit. HA!
So at dinner her husband made a comment, which was a loose reference to Stonecold's virility. Stonecold blushed. HE BLUSHED!!! And then he left the room for about 15 minutes. While he was gone she asked me if it bothered me if she read the blog again. I told her it would probably bother him more than me, but she was more than welcome. So, she'll likely be back...HI!!!
Anyway, then I taught her now to knit. The boys argued politics. It was all very domestic and homey. That was dinner with the in-laws. Sigh.
We went home and snuggled. We talked about the problems we're having on the restore with the car. We talked about the night. We talked about the move. We talked about life. As I got up to go, he asked my why I had to leave. I told him it was because I'm crabby in the morning and I didn't want him to see me like that, and he had to work today. He didn't buy that. I told him I had to go home to take my meds. He bought that.
The truth is, I don't want to get used to sleeping with him. I love sleeping with him. It's the best feeling in the world. The feeling of having someone there while I'm drifting off to sleep. The feeling of his pulse under my cheek. The change of his breath on my forehead as he falls asleep. The pressure of his arms wrapped around me as I drift in the place between sleep and awake. The way he wraps my legs in his. The way he tickles my back and caresses my arm. The way he reaches around to find my hand. The way he doesn't just passively lay there, but actively holds me even when he's unconscious. I love sleeping with him.
But I almost never stay the night. I'm afraid if I get used to sleeping with him now, once he leaves it will take me months to be able to sleep on my own again. I'm afraid if I get used to having him hold me all night long I won't be able to sleep without it. I'm afraid when he leaves it will be just one more thing I will miss. I don't need one more thing at this point, there's already a million.
So, once again I left. Like I always do. To protect myself from the inevitable pain of being left, I left.
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10 comments:
I'm very glad you don't have cancer. Sorry your thyroid is on the fritz, though. Good thing the new meds are helping.
The paragraph about what it's like to sleep with Mr. Stonecold is lovely. It reminded me of sleeping with my X. After he dumped me, yes it took forever for me to be able to get to sleep. The bed was way too big. I had no broad back to spoon up against and no one reaching out to stroke me when I shifted position. Sleeping with him was one of the things I missed the longest. I think your defense strategy is wise. Besides you shouldn't be giving any more of yourself to a man who is taking himself away from you.
Of course, the other argument is to make sure he knows what he's missing when he leaves, but that can only be motivated by either trying to drag him back or wanting him to suffer. Neither sounds like you to me. I'd love to see Mr. Stonecold come to his senses about you, but there's nothing any of us can do to bring that about. If I really had a clue bat, I'd be bludgeoning him with it right now.
You have my sympathy and my best hopes for your happiness (as always), honey!
I'm glad your physically okay.
As for emotionally...
Anyway, I understand how you don't want to get used to sleeping with him. Whenever I go away for business trips I never get the proper amount of sleep I need without Loki there.
It sucks.
I am very weird about sleeping with people. Usually, I can barely sleep with other people in my house much less my bed. However, I find myself sleeping well with #2 now. I find myself laying on him when I want to fall asleep. It's a very different attachment to sleep with someone. It can be very intimate, especially from the behaviors you describe. I can see why you would miss it.
I'm so glad you don't have cancer. The thyroid things sounds manageable. And I think it's great that sis is reading the blog. I don't share mine with anyone I know.
i'm breathing a huge sigh of relief here.
okay. i'm not recommending you go in one direction or the other here. but there's that "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" thing. sure you know you're going to lose him, and sure he maybe doesn't love you back the way you want him to. but if you know that going into it, but still just let yourself go and life an entire lifetime of love and goodness in the next couple of weeks will the good outweight the bad after the fact? i think you're going to hurt regardless once he ships out. so if you're going to hurt one way or the other, is it wrong to just bask in it for while? have some good memories to balance out the bad?
dunno. just a question.
Sean makes a compelling point... Some things are worth the pain for the experience. He is leaving either way.
Thank God you don't have cancer! I understand where you're coming from with the whole not sleeping over thing. However, I would listen to osquer42. The hidden motives are endless and fueled with the greatest of intentions as well as exuses even the wise would buy.
You don't have the power to change people. You only have the power to change yourself. And when you change, people are forsed to change around you. Because you're not the same person that you were before. I'll call you when I get off work. I love you darling.
I like what Sean has to say as well. And isn't that what I've been yelling at the both of you for in the last month anyway? You more than Mr. Stonecold? I think if Mr. Stonecold, no matter how fucked up he is or acts, really just wants to enjoy the last of his time with you. Enjoy is the key word here. Let yourself go. I promise it's going to hurt when he leaves. And above all else, I promise to catch you when that happens. I'm not going anywhere. You've got me, Ms. Shiny Thing, Mr. Hotstuff, King James, and the rest of us who adore you and love you no matter what.
Just let go.
HIP! HIP! HORAY! I am sooooooo glad that you don't have cancer. I gotta admit I was freaking out about it a little.
I agree with Chris that sleeping with someone is very intimate. It takes everything to a new level. And, I think you are wise not to do it.
No cancer... good.
The story made me laugh, as I always wonder who will stumble upon my blog and recognize me. I'm glad your story was a happy one, though.
your last three sentences stopped me, froze me... and i haven't thawed yet....
Btdt on the thyroid thing, I have a lazy thyroid, too. I've never really had anyone I enjoyed sleeping with like I do the chef. There are times when I consider driving down to his house (when my kids are at their dad's house) just to be near him and sleep with his arms around me and his leg thrown over me. I love it.
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