Girlishness Grossness

Today kids, we will discuss the grossness of women. Come on, we all have it. It's the reality of womanhood. Maybe it's the reality of humanity, I don't know I've never been a man. But as a woman I have an expert opinion on the grossness of woman.

First, we poop. That's right. We poop. And sometimes it stinks. Sometimes it's sticky. Sometimes it's splattery and noisy. Sometimes we fart a little too.

Second, we all have hair in places that we don't want to admit we have hair. And in the places we're willing to admit we have hair, most of the time we have more hair than we want. We wax, we exfoliate, we shave, but no one will admit WHERE we do all these things. Come on girls, we all know there is that one hair on your chin you pluck regularly. Your lip is not naturally smooth. If left to wander in the wilderness for a week you would come back looking like sasquatch. It's ok. We're all in this together.

Third, we all have stretch marks. Every one of us. Even the 90 pound freaks that actually look forward to bikini season. Every one of us has the marks of womanhood trying to escape out of our girlish bodies. The roads that map the growth of our lives. Whether you've birthed or not, we've all got them somewhere.

Fourth, we all bleed. Once a month, if we're healthy, Aunt Flow, Little Red Riding Hood, the monthly visitor comes to play. For some it's worse than others. For some of us it's more of a flow than a trickle. But we all get it. And as a result, we all use tampons or pads. I hope anyway.

Fifth, we all have "private time". Sunday morning hallelujah sessions. "Bubble baths" with toys. That's the only reason we buy batteries. And why AA packs come in packs of 54.

Sixth, even though all of these things are true for all women, we do not - under any circumstances - EVER talk about them. EVER! Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes when you're with your best girlfriends you'll giggle over number 4. Occasionally number 5 will come up in conversation (usually with gin involved). But the first three just don't get mentioned. We continue to hide the reality of our womanhood under a blanket of shame. We pretend we are the only ones who have to pluck more than our eyebrows, or wipe more than once, or make sure the lights are off to hide the stretch marks. But we are not alone. We are in it together.

So ladies, let's stand proud. Be proud of your body. Be proud of what it does. No more cramps from holding it in. No more razer burn that makes you waddle. No more shame like we're still in Jr. High. Stand and be proud. I am woman, and I am gross. But I'm not as gross as the men.