Dancing Around the Issue

I've cried almost nonstop since Friday when he told me of his decision. I can't help it. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard. Ok, I have some idea, but I don't really want to admit it. Honestly thought it's getting really old. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of looking at the light swich and realizing that the screws aren't all pointed up and down and bursting into tears. I'm sick of reaching for the Kleenex every time the Cap'n Morgan commercial comes on. I'm sick of rolling over and smelling his pipe smoke in my hair and ending up in hysterics. He's leaving. I don't have any control over that. The end.

Last night we talked. He wanted to talk about why I was reacting like this. Evidently "I'm gonna miss you" wasn't a good enough answer. Two things came out of the conversation.

First. He made a pro and con list when trying to come to this decision. Every time we talked about the pro and con list he told me the problem with the list was that his kids were the only thing on the con side. That pissed me off. I should have ranked in there somewhere. Last night he told me I was on the con list too. That made me feel better. I don't know why it made me feel better, but it did.

Second. We danced around the "L" word for about a half an hour. He thinks he knows why I'm reacting like this. He has "inklings, and thoughts and ideas". Evidently I'll "be ready to share that with him when I'm ready, or not." But if I don't bring it up "it won't be talked about".

So what the hell does that mean? When we first started this whole thing the one ground rule that was firm in stone was that the "L" word was not an option. As soon as that came up he was going to be gone. Not only that, but at no point did he indicate that there was any "L"isness on his side of the table. He just assumed it was all me.

I don't know what that means. He could be trying to get me to pull the "L" word so he has reason to emotionally bail before he physically leaves. He could be trying to get me to pull the "L" word so he gets to hear it before he leaves. He could be trying to just make me make an ass out of myself. I don't really know.

I don't even know how I feel. I know I care about him deeply. I know that when he leaves it will be a part of me that he takes with him. I know that with him I've found something with someone I didn't think was possible. He's my best friend. He's my confidant. He's my lover. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He makes me want to be a better person. He drives me crazy. But I can't imagine life without him. Maybe I love him. Maybe I'm just sad he's leaving.

Finally, I'll apologize in advance. I haven't felt much like blogging lately. Hell, I haven't felt like doing much but crying lately. I may or may not be blogging for a while, and if I do it will likely be long whiney rants about Mr. Stonecold leaving. Thus is my life.