Sometimes it helps to have someone smack you upside the head and tell you you're being a dumbass. Then again, sometimes it's just nice to have someone tell you they know you well enough to know you're going to be a dumbass but they love you anyway.
Ms. Twinkie is the greatest. She yelled at me last night. I deserved it. She said some things I didn't really want to listen to. She made me breakfast at 1:00am. She tried to explain life by comparing it to Shrek. She's the greatest.
In the past 24 hours I think I have found the source of my discomfort in my relationship with Mr. Stonecold. When it comes down to it, I'm not that kind of girl. I want to be that kind of girl, but I'm not. I want to be the "I can fuck around with a bunch of different guys and just have fun and not be emotionally attached" kinda girl. The thing is, I am not and never have been.
Don't get me wrong, there have been drunken nights of debauchery. There has been Vegas. There have been the "what the hell was I thinking moments" that everyone else has. The difference between those and this is continuity...and gin, lots of gin.
I have been looking for emotional verification because that's what I need. I don't need him to love me. I don't need him to want to spend the rest of his life with me. But I need emotional verification that what we have is something. Because I'm not the kind of girl that does what we do without it being something...without gin.
I know I've said this all before, but seriously this is a lightbulb moment for me where it all finally came together. I'm seriously not looking to get married. I'm still not looking for Mr. Right. I like my independence. But I'm not a piece of meat, and I am no longer going to act like one.
Mr. Stonecold told me a few weeks ago, after he read my blog, that the ball was in my court. I looked at him quizzically and asked when the ball ever left my court. I've always had the ball in my court, and I've always known it. I've just been too scared to lob it back over the net. I'm scared the game will be over. I don't really want the game to end, but then again I may just find out I've been playing by myself all along anyway.
7 comments:
Believe it or not, I had a similar lightbulb moment about two months into dating Kace. He was young. He was hot. He was nice. We were great friends. But he made it clear to me that while we might be sexually monogamous and only fucking each other, that's all it was...we were friends with benefits, and that's all we would ever be.
Don't get me wrong, the sex was great. But after the second time I started crying during sex (fortunately, it was the quiet kind and not the sobbing hysterically kind, and it was dark, so he never knew), I knew.
I'm just not that kind of girl. I want the fairy tale. I want to be someone's princess. I want kisses and ten million "I love you's" a day and flowers and snuggles. I want to be with someone who thinks I'm "the one." And I want to be with someone I think is "the one," too. And I'm just not willing to settle for anything less than that.
Which meant that Kace and I went back to being friends (without benefits), and are still friends. But I was looking for something more, and I looked until I found it.
Thanks Trouble. I know I want to be the pretty pretty princess...I just don't know that I want to be someone's pretty pretty princess...know what I mean? I'm still working on that one.
One of the big problems is how do I go back to just being friends with Mr. Stonecold. I'd like to think I'm mature enough to do that...but in reality I'm pretty sure I'm not. Too much has happened.
And hang on to Chef, he's one in a million. Then again, I live in a city of five million people...there should be five of him out here right?
everyone needs a ms. twinkie.
I'm glad you've had an epiphany and come to a resolve. Half of the problem is being torn. If you're not that kind of girl, you are right; it should end. It should always be about what works for you, what makes you happy. You don't have to pick one extreme or the other. You don't have to be the fuck buddy or the princess--you can just be you. But I wish you luck. The friendship with Mr. Stonecold may not be salvageable, but the main priority is you. :)
I have nothing else to add. Everyone else has said what I wanted to say.
Good luck!
I can't come up with anything that doesn't sound like a reworded cliche.
You're right. It may not be possible to go back to being friends with Mr. Stonecold. That sucks, but it may be true. Only time will tell. It's not about your maturity. It's about whether his questionable friendship is worth the emotional toll it is still taking on you.
You don't have to be anyone's princess, but you don't have to be anyone's doormat either.
Am I the only one who wants to join the Let's Clone Chef Club?
lawgirl,
IN the case of Kace and I, we weren't friends again, not right away. It hurt that i'd developed feelings for him, and he didn't feel the same way about me. I had to date some, put some time and distance between us, and then we could be in contact.
Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do, even decide NOT to be friends. It's really your choice.
And, figuring out we want out of life is the biggest part of the battle. One thing about dating that I think is good is that if done properly, it can help us develop our list...the "must-haves" and the "can't put up withs."
Date, have fun, meet lots of different types of men. Every time you date a guy, think about what you liked, and what you didn't like. Do you want a guy who is a gentleman and opens car doors? Do you want a man who is well-read? What interests would you like to share with your ideal guy?
HAVE FUN for a while. Just that. It will help, I promise. And while the chef is indeed one in a million, your one in a million is out there, too. You just have to figure out who he is.
When it's all said and done, dating is a numbers game, and it can help you learn more about what you are looking for...
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