Weirdness

We hung out this weekend. Things are weird. We talked again last night. I cried. I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I cried. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I don't know what to do now. I want to run. I want to disappear. I'm embarrassed. I'm devastated. I'm confused. I'm scared.

I want to call him. I wanted to call him as soon as I left last night. I wanted to apologize for crying. I wanted to apologize for being a girl. I wanted tot apologize for not being able to accept his explanations. I cried all the way home.

I don't know if I ever want to see him again. I don't know if I ever want to hang out again. I don't know why. My instinctual reaction is to pretend he doesn't exist. It's easier that way. I've spent the last 12 hours trying to figure out how to do that. I'm the queen of the disappearing act. It wouldn't be that hard. I could do it. But I'd have to give up a lot to disappear.

I just don't know if I can face him again without crying. I didn't mean to cry. But every time I looked in his eyes I teared up. I lost a friend. I lost a lover. I lost a great relationship. He wouldn't ever admit it was a relationship. He keeps saying that I'm focusing on what I lost and not on what we are gaining. Unfortunately I don't think we're gaining anything. I just think we lost something very special. Now it's gone.

He doesn't see what we lost. I don't know if he's capable of seeing what we had, or could have had. At one time, when we were talking about Mr. Jackass, I told Mr. Stonecold that one of the reasons I couldn't just stop talking to him was that I wanted to still be friends. Mr. Stonecold asked me if I really wanted a friend like that in my life. I am asking myself that question now about Mr. Stonecold. As much as I want the answer to be yes, because that's the emotionally void answer, the answer he wants to hear, I don't think I do. But I do. I do want him in my life. I just don't want it to be weird. Now it is. So I guess I just need to disappear for a while and let things settle down.