The End

Well, the inevitable has happened. On Sunday, Mr. Stonecold told me we couldn't be Amazing anymore because he can't get the thought of me being a whore out of his head. We had a four hour knock down drag out conversation about it. I don't really know what to say.

He still wants to be friends. I know we said in the beginning the friendship meant more than the sex. I know that we said the friendship would outlast anything. I know we said we'd do whatever it took to stay friends once the Amazing ended, because we both knew it wasn't going to last forever. I just don't know if I can do it.

I don't want him to see me as a whore. I want him to care about me. I want him to think I'm different and unique. I don't want him to think I'm interchangeable or an upgraded version of his hand. I want him to think of me as an individual who he likes spending time with, who he finds attractive. I want him to want to have sex with me, not just because he wants to have sex, or because he's horny, but because he wants to have sex with me. I know this sounds extremely selfish, but I want to be a factor in there someplace.

The way it feels right now is that he feels bad that he makes me feel like a whore. But he isn't willing to tell me I'm not. In fact, he told me I was. Which makes sense. If I'm not a whore that means he cares about me. He won't let himself do that. He can't allow that to happen. The thing that really hurts is he'd rather call me a whore than admit to himself that he cares. I don't know that I want someone like that in my life. I don't know that I emotionally can handle someone like that in my life.

The thing is I don't want the amazing to stop. I don't want anything to change. I want everything to stay the same as it was. I just want him to admit I'm not interchangeable. I just want the admission that I'm not like a pair of white socks that you don't have to match up when you do laundry. That's all I needed.

But now he thinks of me as a whore. At least now he recognizes the emotional wrecking ball he can wield. At least now he knows that even when the girl of the week says it's just sex, it's never just sex. It can't be just sex. It shouldn't ever just be sex. Even one night stands have emotional fall-out. He's just never cared about that before. I'm shocked that he does now. Truly.

I don't know, maybe he doesn't care. Maybe this is just his way of trying to not look like an ass. Maybe he doesn't really feel anything and he's just done having sex with me and couldn't come up with a better excuse. Maybe he doesn't really want to be friends and he's just going through the motions to save face. Maybe we weren't ever friends in the first place because he's a big fucking fuck face fucker head. Sorry, I digress.

I'm pissed. I'm pissed because this has me so upset. It shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I shouldn't have cried all day Sunday and Monday. I shouldn't have stayed home from work yesterday in my pj's watching Oprah. I should have been able to sleep because he shouldn't have been haunting my thoughts. It was just sex. He's just a guy. That's all. Right?